it’s all sort of grown from there. Or rather it’s sort of shrunk from there, because Paul’s lost a lot of weight too. He’s been going there for nine months now and, to be honest, I don’t know if I’d have said yes to a date if he’d been as big as he once was. Then again, he probably wouldn’t have asked and, if he had, I wouldn’t have said yes, but for my own reasons… you sort of lose your confidence really, well I have.
We’re going out tonight on our first date. I went to the hairdresser’s yesterday and I had my eyebrows and upper lip waxed and I am trying on some clothes that I've bought.
It doesn't get any easier, this dating lark, whatever your age.
My phone rings and I half expect it to be Paul, for him to have come up with an excuse, to say he’s changed his mind. It would be a relief, I don’t actually want to go, but when I look at the screen I roll my eyes, it’s my eldest daughter Eleanor and I wonder what the drama is this time.
‘Eleanor, slow down!’ I don't understand what Eleanor is trying to tell me, she's at the hospital and apparently things don't look good. ‘Eleanor, you need to calm down.’ I’m suddenly sick in my stomach because she is due to have the baby in four weeks time. ‘Is Noel with you?’ That makes her cry harder and it is then that a nurse comes on to the line.
‘Mrs Jameson.’ She introduces herself as the nurse in charge and I recognise the Jamaican accent - its Rose. I do a few shifts down in Accident and Emergency now and then but I don’t think that she realises it’s me.
‘Rose, its Gloria! Gloria Jameson…’ The line goes quiet and for a moment I think I've been cut-off. ‘What’s going on? Is everything all right with the baby?’ I’m wondering what Eleanor is doing in Emergency, because even though we did our midwifery training together, it’s Emergency where Rose works.
‘Gloria, you need to come now,’ Rose says gently. ‘Where are your other daughters?’ she asks and I frown. ‘Can one of them come and get you, or are they both still in Australia?’ Then I realise just how wrong I’ve gotten things. Yes, Eleanor is at the hospital but she isn't ringing about herself or the baby, this call really is for me. It’s Eleanor’s father who’s sick - my ex-husband.
‘He collapsed at home…’ Rose continues on. ‘Things don't look good.’
I want the truth. I don't want the safe hospital version, so that I don’t have a heart attack and drop dead, or kill myself driving in. ‘Just tell me Rose,’ I say. ‘I need to know what to tell Bonny and Alice. Just tell me now.’
There’s another pause. I can hear Eleanor sobbing even louder in the background; I can close my eyes now and picture the scene. I know it from Rose’s voice, I know it already, and I just need to be told.
‘There was nothing we could do for him.’ Rose gives me the truth that I asked for and I can't remember if I said thank you, I can't even remember hanging up the phone. I do remember a surge of annoyance, that all this time on, he can still mess up my plans at a moment’s notice – because instead of standing in my bedroom and trying to sort out an outfit for tonight, instead of trying on different styles of make up, I’m dashing to the hospital.
I’m dropping everything for him again.
That’s what he does you see.
That’s what he’s always done.
Somehow, even in death – he stops me from finding me.
CHAPTER SIX
Lucy
It’s all about them.
Always.
I promise you.
You’ll see.
‘Would you like to see him?’ Rose asks.
Eleanor starts to cry and moan and says no, she can’t face it, but I actually think the nurse was speaking directly to me.
I shake my head.
I’ve never seen a dead body.
Well, I thought mum was dead plenty of times when I found her passed out, but I’ve never seen a real live dead one – excuse the pun.
A real live dead one. I go over that in my head a few times and then Luke speaks. ‘It might be better to, Lucy. Charlotte might want to see him.’
‘She’s not seeing him.’ I’m adamant.
‘She might want to,’ Rose says. She’s actually nice, a big woman and she’s sort of comforting. She puts her arm around