Sometimes I feel that there's this big master plan we’re not privy too, that there’s a connection we simply can't see and I’m not talking about Facebook!
I don’t know if it’s God, I don’t know what to call it.
I just feel that there’s something more.
CHAPTER SIXTY NINE
‘How was school?’
‘Great!’ Charlotte says scooping up the puppy. ‘I've been invited to a party!’ Then she stops.
‘Tell me.’
‘Later,’ she says, because sometimes you feel guilty being happy.
Charlotte is happy.
She loves her new school and she’s making good friends and we’re a happy little family now.
She’s fully back to me now and my mum was right – it’s even better.
We stop and buy flowers and then we pile back into the car. I park it in the cemetery and I sit for a moment before I head out there and then my phone bleeps and I read a text from Jess.
Love you, thinking of you today.
I’m not quite ready yet but maybe in summer the three of you can come over. I’m not losing my best friend and neither are you, always know that xxx
I smile as I read it, because despite what went on, even if it’s been a bit awkward between us since we went to Wales, she is my best friend, and yes, Charlotte, the puppy and I will head there in summer.
I walk past the baby bit as fast as I can because I really don’t want Charlotte to see them, but she does. You can’t avoid it, it’s right next to the car park bit. I just want to rush her through but I know I’ll have a million tears and questions tonight.
I see that Gloria and Daisy are there and I’m glad because it makes things easier for Charlotte. She gives a little squeal of delight and I figure that Gloria must have timed it, because I remember Charlotte saying to Alice on Skype that she was being picked up from school at lunchtime.
I thought she should go in for half a day.
Not just because she needs her routines but because I wanted some time to myself too.
Because, I do miss you.
I look at the stone and his name and I can honestly say it.
I miss you and I did love you and I do think you loved me.
I am quite sure that you loved Gloria too.
I don’t understand it.
Often I question it.
But most of the time I just accept it.
There are different sorts of love.
Your death means ours can last.
Charlotte starts crying and I stand there beside her and I can’t stop her pain and I can’t erase her loss, I can just be there.
Then, when she’s calming down, Gloria makes a fuss of the puppy and asks its name.
‘Holly.’
I see Gloria frown as he cocks his leg on a long blade of grass.
He piddles every ten seconds, I swear.
‘Mum didn’t like the boy Christmas names,’ Charlotte explains. It takes Gloria a minute to compute and then she goes a bit red, but I think there’s a tiny smile as she catches my eye and then she suggests that the girls play on the grass. ‘Show her her namesake,’ Gloria says as she hands over Daisy. ‘Make a daisy chain.’
We stand there in silence for a minute and it’s Gloria who breaks it.
‘Well, one thing I’ll say for him - he did what I asked.’ Gloria says. ‘He looked after his girls.’
He didn’t just look after his daughters.
Gloria must have been one of his girls too.
She looks amazing and is that a diamond sparkling on her finger?
I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything, if I ought to congratulate her?
‘So, you’re planning a wedding?’ I can be so diplomatic!
‘Two!’ Gloria says.
I look, not at the stone in the ground, but the stone on her finger and I tell her that I wish her well.
I mean it.
Then we stand there and I turn and there are the girls making daisy chains. I watch Charlotte split the stem and link another one in. I know we’re all connected and sometimes it comforts but right now I just don’t like it. I get that horrible shiver down my arms.
It’s spooky.
‘I’ll have nightmares tonight.’ Gloria breaks into my dark thoughts. ‘Honestly, after I’ve been here I have terrible ones – I see things coming out of the ground.’
‘Like Buffy,’ I say and she smiles.
‘I’ll leave you then,’ she says. ‘Let you have some time with him.’