‘Even so, I am truly sorry, Lucy. I was in a bad place.’
‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘I was doing your shopping. Any surprises in your delivery around that time?’
There’s a very long pause and then he starts to laugh.
‘You’re a witch, Lucy.’
‘A good witch now,’ I smile. ‘And yes, you’re forgiven.’
‘How’s Charlotte?’ I’m glad for the change of subject and also it's a relief to talk about her to someone who is on her side. That's what I miss most about her dad, okay he might not have made Husband-of-the-Year, but he was on Charlotte’s side along with me. ‘I think she's okay; the move was a bit stressful. The house just sold so quickly but I think it was the right time and she is happy in the cottage. Just today's been a bit hard. I know she misses him.’ I'm close to tears I realise and I pause and Luke lets me, he doesn't interrupt, he doesn't finish my words, he gives me time to say it. ‘I miss him,’ I admit. ‘Not all the time, but I miss him today.’
‘I miss him today too.’
‘How are you doing?’ I ask.
‘Okay, I guess. Today's been a bit…’ I'm close to tears again, not for me this time though, for him.
‘You miss Jess?’
‘Not all the time.’
‘Just today,’ I say.
‘We sound like a Dolly Parton song.’
He does make me smile.
He asks about my Christmas dinner and I describe it in detail and he lets me. I think he is a bit pissed. I wish I was. I wish I was a bit pissed on Christmas night with Luke.
‘I nearly did something stupid the other day,’ Luke says. ‘I was trying to work out what to get Charlotte for Christmas and with all the money from the house and the apartment and everything and I know how much she loved her pony...’
‘No!’
‘I nearly did,’ he laughs.
‘Luke, I would never have forgiven you. That pony nearly killed me…’ I’m sitting on the hall floor and I'm laughing as I remember all the shit I had to pick up and the early morning starts and the bitchy mothers.
‘Lucy, I want to ask you something. Please don't be offended, please don't take this the wrong way…’
My heart is hammering in my chest.
I don't want this; I don't want him to suggest that we get together during a Dolly Parton phone call. I don’t want a shag and a chardonnay, even though I sort of do. ‘Can I pay for her to have riding lessons?’
I'm disappointed, I'm relieved and I laugh. ‘Actually you don't have to worry about that.’ I tell him about this tiny doctor who doesn't want anyone having lessons on her horse, but she want someone to regularly ride him as she can only get there every other weekend.
We talk for a little while longer and I clear up something that’s been niggling.
‘He was right,’ I say and there’s a long pause. ‘I was cheating.’ The phone goes silent for a very long time. ‘I wasn’t cheating with someone else though, I was cheating on me.’ He’s still silent. ‘I was cheating myself out of a nice life and a good marriage and yes, I think I was starting to realise that.’
Charlotte comes out then and I say goodnight to Luke and put her on. She excitedly tells him about the puppy I got her for Christmas.
Did I forget to mention that?
Yes a dog’s for life but Charlotte will love it for life.
So will I if it ever stops piddling.
Honestly, he’s the size of a teapot and he holds as much liquid.
He drinks all the time and I’m terrified that he’s diabetic or he’s got something wrong with his kidneys. That he’ll end up on twice weekly dialysis or something.
I watch him nearly fall over as he tries to cock his leg.
God, you never stop worrying.
Charlotte’s tired when she comes off the phone and she gives Mum a kiss and then we put the puppy in the laundry and she thanks me over and over for him. She kisses him again and then I put her to bed. I love her so much and she’s coming back to me slowly. There’s an anxiety still there and maybe it always will be. She’s her mother’s daughter after all but we’re getting there, bit by bit, and I’m going to make sure that we keep on getting there.