“All the time. If only. What if. Did we do everything? Did we try everything?”
“Of course the real question is why he had a drink and then got behind the wheel.”
“I know you’re right. But logic doesn’t make me feel better.” But Jordan did. He made her feel better, as if his thoughtful, carefully chosen words were stitching together those parts of her that had been torn apart.
“Technically he assaulted you.” He let go of her hand and reached for the bottle of wine. “Knowing you, I’m guessing you didn’t press charges.”
“No. The man was beside himself. He—” Her eyes filled. “It wasn’t the first sad, difficult case I’ve handled. I don’t know why that one got to me, but it did. I feel—I’ve lost confidence.”
“Because you couldn’t save his daughter?”
“Not only that. I should have seen how upset he was. I should have seen the risk. I misjudged it totally. It could have been one of my staff he attacked, and not me. It could have been worse. And then he would have been dealing with assault charges on top of grief.”
He was silent for a moment. “You ask a lot of yourself, don’t you? You’re human, Katie. You feel. You have compassion.”
“I was so busy feeling, I abandoned judgment. He was distraught, understandably. Angry, too. I probably should have anticipated the possibility of violence.”
“You’re a mind reader? You’re supposed to be able to predict human behavior?”
“To an extent, yes. I’m wondering if I was tired, if I wasn’t engaged enough in the job. Or maybe I’m not good enough. And now I can’t untangle any of it.”
He topped up her glass. “You expect perfect. I bet you were a Grade A student all the way.”
She managed a smile. “You’re a psychologist?”
“No, but even I can see that you can’t apply that kind of grading system to a real life situation. You’re struggling to be detached and do your work. And you think, for some reason I’m not understanding, that makes you a bad doctor.”
“I think I was doubting myself anyway and this has made me doubt myself even more. I’ve been on the edge for weeks. I’m on sick leave, did I tell you that? My family don’t know. They don’t know about any of this. I try never to cause them worry. It’s hell for a parent to worry over a child. I saw that anxiety in my mother’s face every time Rosie was taken into hospital. I saw it in my father’s face.”
“So you force yourself to handle your feelings alone. It’s okay to lean on people, Katie. Everyone needs support.”
She wondered who gave him support. Dan presumably. And other friends. His mother. “I’m going to be fine. Well, apart from the headache I’m going to have tomorrow from all this wine.” She breathed and put her glass down. “Who would have thought it would be you who made me feel better?”
A ghost of a smile touched his mouth. “I thought I was the most annoying man who ever lived?”
“Turns out you’re not so bad.”
His smile vanished and he took her hand again. “It’s not your fault, Katie. None of it.”
She knew she should probably pull away, but she liked the way his hand felt on hers.
“You don’t know that. You can’t know.”
“I know for sure that if I was ever injured I’d be lucky to have someone like you in charge of my care. You’re shivering.” Giving her hand a squeeze, he stood up and put another log on the fire. “I’m sure you’re a fine doctor, but that doesn’t mean you have to carry on doing a job that no longer works for you.”
“To give up something I’ve worked this long and this hard for—” she bit her lip “—that would make me stupid, don’t you think?”
He waited until the flames started to lick around the log and then sat back down next to her. “I would have gone with brave.”
“Brave?”
“The easy route would be to carry on doing what you’re doing and not question it.”
“Yes, that’s the low risk option.”
“To me the risk is that you look back in twenty or thirty years and regret that you spent your life doing something you didn’t love. But you could always take a break. Instead of making an immediate decision, take time to think it through.”
It was an option she hadn’t considered. Her brain had been dealing with all-or-nothing scenarios. Why hadn’t she thought of a compromise? Why hadn’t she thought of taking a