We Have Till Dawn - Cara Dee Page 0,18

explained she was pulling someone out of retirement who matched my criteria.”

That was one way of putting it.

Gideon cleared his throat. “Are you saying you can’t go through with it? I’m not good at reading between the lines.”

I blew out a breath and sat up. We were doing this. We were gonna talk. “No, I can.” Because fuck all other options. I was not going back to fucking Applebee’s. “What I can’t do is play along with your stupid rules. It’s not genuine, Gideon. You wanna explore for real? Let me see you. Let me participate. Don’t put a freaking gag order on me.”

I was met by silence, and it wasn’t like I could see him. It was so frustrating.

“It wouldn’t kill you to have a simple conversation with me,” I went on. “We can do it on your terms—we can text each other for all I care if you don’t wanna talk verbally. Whatever you’re the most comfortable with, but this…?” I gestured between us, even though he couldn’t see it. “This is about as real as you exploring with a blow-up doll.”

The silence stretched on, but I could sense him processing what I’d said. It sounded like he scrubbed at his face, and he breathed easier. There was surrender in his sigh. He had to realize what we’d done so far wasn’t working. Not for two months. It wasn’t what he wanted, and it sure as hell wasn’t what I wanted.

“It’s…difficult…maneuvering, for lack of a better word, this arrangement,” he said slowly, seemingly struggling to phrase himself. “Normal people can multitask and try on various hobbies different days of the week, but I go all in. I almost obsess over something until I’ve figured it out, and I can’t do that with you. I’ve made promises. I have commitments. This is supposed to be purely physical, and…and that’s why I don’t want to see notes on the fridge about where you’re going on Friday. I don’t want to know that you play the keyboard and the guitar and God knows what else, because I get intrigued.”

I pinched my lips together and cocked my head.

My guitar case had been under the bed the entire time I’d stayed in this apartment.

Fucking hell, I had to see him. I was done with this. I understood his worries; I genuinely did, and I’d heard similar stories from some of Anthony’s students. About the obsessing, about multitasking. But he was paying me to give him a full experience of exploring his sexuality, and I was itching to break the number one rule. The client being in charge.

I could hear Anthony’s warning about not getting involved as I reached for the lamp on the nightstand.

Please don’t panic, please don’t panic.

I shouldn’t do this. Before I pressed the switch, I knew it was wrong. It should be his choice.

I still flipped it, and the apartment flooded with a dim light.

I knew it.

Gideon sucked in a breath and looked away, but he remained sitting there. He didn’t leave. He balled his hands into fists, and his breathing sped up. No panic, though. Anxiety was part of life; doing something scary wasn’t necessarily bad, so that wasn’t going to stop me.

He was a stunning man of lean muscle, broad shoulders, and some silver at his temples. Nothing about him was small. My ass could testify… But it was time to see the rest of him.

“Sometimes you have to put yourself first,” I murmured. Moving slowly, I got up on my knees and shifted behind him. I brushed my hands up his arms and over his shoulders, and he shuddered. “I won’t push further without asking for permission, okay?” I didn’t even sneak a glance at the window, where I knew I’d be able to see his reflection. “Can I touch you like this? And kiss you here?” I nuzzled his neck.

He smelled so fucking good.

“I suppose,” he replied tightly. “This is highly unnerving.”

“Unnerving is okay.” I grazed my lips along his shoulder and peered down his front. Sexy chest, sexy chest hair, sexy thighs, sexy cock. “You’re outside of your comfort zone. That shit’s terrifying at times, but it ain’t bad. It makes us stronger.”

Funny how quickly the rock in my stomach crumbled into dust.

“I wanna ride that cock later.”

He swallowed. “Oh. Okay.”

I smiled against his skin and dropped an openmouthed kiss as I draped one arm over his shoulder to touch his chest.

“I, uh, I have fantasies about that,” he said.

“I remember.” Now I couldn’t stop