Warm Bodies Page 0,42

And so did your dad.'

I can't hold the weight. I give in and let it fall on me. I twist my head away from Julie as the tears come.

'Believe that God discarded you if you want to, fate or destiny or whatever, but at least you know they loved you.'

'What does it even matter,' I croak, avoiding her eyes. 'Who gives a shit. They're dead. That's the present. That's what matters now.'

We don't speak for a few minutes. The cold breeze pricks tiny bumps on our arms. Bright leaves find their way in from the outer forests, spinning down into the Stadium's vast mouth and landing on the house's roof.

'You know what, Perry,' Julie says. Her voice is shaky with hurts all her own. 'Everything dies eventually. We all know that. People, cities, whole civilisations. Nothing lasts. So if existence was just binary, dead or alive, here or not here, what would be the fucking point in anything?' She looks up at some falling leaves and puts out her hand to catch one, a flaming red maple. 'My mom used to say that's why we have memory. And the opposite of memory - hope. So things that are gone can still matter. So we can build off our pasts and make futures.' She twirls the leaf in front of her face, back and forth. 'Mom said life only makes any sense if we can see time how God does. Past, present and future all at once.'

I allow myself to look at Julie. She sees my tears and tries to wipe one away. 'So what's the future?' I ask, not flinching as her fingers brush my eye. 'I can see the past and the present, but what's the future?'

'Well . . .' she says with a broken laugh. 'I guess that's the tricky part. The past is made out of facts and history . . . I guess the future is just hope.'

'Or fear.'

'No.' She shakes her head firmly and sticks the leaf in my hair. 'Hope.'

The Stadium rises on the horizon as the Dead stumble forward. It looms above most of the surrounding buildings and consumes several city blocks, a gaudy monument to an era of excess, a world of waste and want and misguided dreams that is now profoundly over.

Our cadaverous cadre has been walking for a little over a day, roaming the open roads like Kerouac beats with no gas money. The others are hungry, and there's a brief, mostly wordless debate between M and the rest before they stop at an old boarded-up town house to feed. I wait outside. It's been more days than I can remember since my last meal, but I find myself strangely content. There's a neutral feeling in my veins, balanced precisely between hungry and sated. The screams of the people in the house pierce me more sharply than in all my days of hands-on killing, and I'm not even anywhere near them. I'm standing far out in the street, pushing my palms into my ears and waiting for it to be over.

When they emerge, M avoids my gaze. He wipes the blood off his mouth with the back of his hand and shoots me just one guilty glance before brushing past. The others are not quite there yet, not even to M's level of conscience, but there is something a little different about them, too. They take no leftovers. They dry their bloody hands on their pants. They walk in uneasy silence. It's a start.

As we get close enough to the Stadium to catch the first whiffs of the Living, I go over the plan in my head. It's not much of a plan, really. It's cartoonishly simple, but here's why it might work: it's never been tried before. There has never been enough will to make a way.

A few blocks from the entry gate, we stop in an abandoned house. I go into the bathroom and study myself in the mirror like the former resident must have done a thousand times. In my head I jog through the maddening repetitions of the morning routine, getting into character. Alarm-shower-clothes-breakfast. Do I look my best? Am I putting my best foot forward? Am I stepping out the door prepared for everything this world has to throw at me?

I run some gel through my hair. I splash some aftershave on my face. I straighten my tie.

'Ready,' I tell the others.

M sizes me up. 'Close . . . enough.'

We head for the