Russia, so it was a pretty bad rave.” He kisses my neck, and I shiver.
I should tell him to stop this, we can’t be that anymore. I can’t, though, because I crave it. Crave him.
“Did you get arrested?”
“No, there were no police in our village or the nearby town. Nothing functioned properly in those days.”
It’s the first time he’s talked much about his past with me.
“I suppose it must have been hard to be young and everything be falling apart.”
“Worse to be old.” Then he sighs and says, “But yes, it was difficult. I lost all my family too, in the space of a few years, so yes, it wasn’t an easy time. It made me who I am, though.”
He says this as if it’s a good thing, to be who he is. It’s not. And not because of what he does. No, it goes deeper than that because he’s all alone. Oh, he has friends, like Andrius. But other than Andrius, who does he have? Vasily might be his friend, but he’s also his employee. As is Derek. Michael is his son, but soon he’ll be moving out, and Konstantin will be alone in this house. Rich, but lonely and bitter.
It’s not my job to fix him, I tell myself. You can’t fix someone else; they have to do it for themselves.
“We both had issues growing up, though, didn’t we?” He moves slightly, sending the water rippling again.
“Yes, I suppose we did. At least I have my grandparents, though,” I say.
“You must miss them.”
“I do, but if this is the only way to keep them safe.” I take a breath and say what needs to be said. “I’m sorry about Liza,” I say. “I know you two had a volatile relationship, but it can’t be easy, losing her this way.”
There’s no reply for what seems like a minute or longer, but then he speaks. “Shall I tell you the truth, Cassie? Even though I believe it will make you hate me.”
I pause. Do I want the truth, or would I rather keep living in a beautiful lie where I can pretend he does feel things? No, lies always turn ugly in the end. “Truth, always truth,” I say sadly.
“I don’t feel anything much at all. I … compartmentalize … is I think the word, no? Erm … close things off, put them away.”
“Always? With everything?”
“No, not with everything, but many things. Most people, they’re stupid, weak, or they’re shallow. I don’t like most people. At first, Liza and I had fun, but from day one, she didn’t hold my interest beyond that. Listen. For me, until you, women were like fast food. Some of them I kept around for a few months because I like to eat, and I love a good burger, and if I can get burgers on tap for a while, then great. So, Liza, I kept her around, but she was like going for a burger. Nothing more. I didn’t feel anything deep for her, and other than lust or annoyance, I never felt much at all.”
“I annoy you a lot too,” I say.
He chuckles, low and deep. “No, Cassie, you don’t annoy me. An annoyance is like a gnat buzzing around, you simply want it gone. You? You infuriate me. And intrigue me. I could watch you doing the simplest of things for days and not get bored. You make me feel. It’s new.”
I can’t turn to face him because suddenly all I want is to kiss him. Instead, I stare at the water as I trail my fingers through it. “You feel things for Michael, for Andrius. For Vasily, even.”
“Yes,” he says. “I do. Not in the same way, though, and I don’t simply mean the sex. You make me … you make me want to be better.”
I stop moving, my fingers stilling as his words sink in.
“The tragedy for both of us is I don’t know if I can.”
“I think you can. Konstantin. You went from nothing to one of the wealthiest men in Britain. You fought for the Spetsnaz. You can do anything you put your mind to.”
“But don’t you see? Those things are part of my nature. Me being a better man isn’t.”
It’s easier talking like this, my back to him. I feel as if I can say more. “You make me feel safe, but you scare me at the same time. It doesn’t make sense because I should hate you, but I don’t. Most of the time I want