He pushed to his feet. “You’re going to have to explain, because I can’t seem to read your mind.”
She lifted her hands, dropped them. “What do you see when you look at me?”
“Is this a trick question?”
“No. It’s an honest one. I know what you see. You see Annie.”
“And that’s bad because…”
“Because, Ryan, I’m not her.”
A frown tugged at his mouth. “What are you talking about?”
He didn’t get it. She wasn’t sure he ever would. And even though it wasn’t the most pressing issue at the moment, it would always be a problem between them. Dealing with it now, before either of them got more hurt in this crazy situation was the best idea.
“I’m talking about this.” She waved her hands. “This, this thing going on between us isn’t working. Every time you look at me, you see someone who doesn’t exist anymore. You have this need to protect me, but it’s not me you’re worried about, it’s someone I used to be. Someone I’m not anymore.”
“Run that by me again, because I’m a little lost.”
She let out a breath. “Ryan, in all the time we’ve been together, you haven’t once called me Kate.”
“Yes, I have.”
“No, you haven’t. I’ve been listening.” Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. A pain that was a thousand times sharper than she’d expected. “I can admit I’m wildly attracted to you, but that’s just physical. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re attracted to someone who’s not here anymore. I don’t know how to be that person, and I’m not even sure I want to try. I like who I am now. And the person I am now doesn’t need you hovering over her, trying to shelter her from this whole mess.”
He shifted his weight. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…I don’t think this is going anywhere. I appreciate your help, that you’ve given up time today to check things out with me, but going back to your house with you tonight isn’t going to help matters. Reed and Julia are already confused. Being near you, acting on this combustible attraction isn’t going to help make things better. We both know this isn’t going anywhere, that neither of us is what the other needs or wants in the long run.”
The muscles in his jaw tightened. “So this morning—”
“This morning was me being emotional and overreacting to the stress I’ve been under. It didn’t mean anything.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she stood her ground. If she were lucky, he’d get the hint soon and leave before she changed her mind.
Because she really wanted to change her mind. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hide from everything going on around them. She wanted to forget he thought of someone else when they were together, because she wanted him more than she wanted to think logically.
“I think you should go, Ryan,” she said quietly.
“Just like that?”
“Yes.”
“This is crap. Tell me what’s really going on.”
“This is what’s really going on.” He wasn’t getting it, so she put as much emotion into her voice as she could, hoping that would get her point across. “I don’t need you. And I don’t want you. And the sooner you get that, the better off we’ll all be.”
His eyes locked on hers. Steely, cold eyes. The same hard, emotionless eyes he’d turned on her at the beginning, before the press conference, before he’d kissed her, before she’d realized just what kind of caring man he was inside. “Fine. Whatever.”
He brushed by her. She listened as his footsteps echoed down the stairs. Flinched when the front door opened and slammed shut.
Shaking, she sank to the ground and leaned back against the wall. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chest ached with a fierceness she hadn’t expected. This pain was so much worse than when she’d lost Jake, and it only made her realize just how much she did want Ryan. She’d fallen for him against her better judgment. And now, no matter where she went, no matter who she met, the reality of what she’d just let slip away would haunt her forever.
The first drops of rain pelted the window. The wind picked up, and waves pounded the shore like a mighty fist. She glanced out at the gray clouds even as tears slid down her cheeks.
Chapter Sixteen
Ryan stood on Annie’s front porch and drew in deep, calming breaths. He didn’t need this shit. He’d been on