‘What’s this?’ I cried and grabbed the sheet to cover my modesty.
It registered with me that they’d removed their coats and as they stood, drinks in hand, that they were not decently attired.
‘Consider my debts repaid, gentlemen,’ said Giacomo, gesturing to the bed, to me. Without a backward glance, he left the room, shutting the door firmly behind him. As one, they stepped closer.
Rambaldo Errizo was the first.
Hours passed and I fell inside myself, into a great dark void. I tried to take hold of something, anything that would get me through. I found what I was searching for in the tenebrous recesses of my soul. Once I did, I didn’t let it go.
I WAS ALONE WHEN SALZI FINALLY found me, wound in Giacomo’s bedding like a shroud. I couldn’t talk. I had no words. He picked up my torn camicia and stockings, my zoccoli, and helped me dress in my splendid gown. Unable to walk down the stairs, I was aware of him wrapping me in my cloak and lifting me into his arms.
The ride home took an eternity, the beauty of the sky mocking the ugliness that rested in my heart.
Giaconda came straight to my room. She took one look at my hollow eyes, the bite marks across my upper arms, my breasts and shoulders, at the accusation in my eyes, only now free of their mask, uninhibited by the belladonna. She turned away.
‘Don’t you dare look at me like that!’ she snapped, her voice breaking. It was the first time I’d ever heard her lose control. ‘I will send Hafeza. You will not be able to work for a few days. I will charge Moronisini for that.’
I don’t know what my face revealed, but Giaconda made a terrible sound; it came from somewhere deep inside. ‘What did you expect? Flowers and romance? You’re a courtesan, Tarlo. Your body is for the pleasure of others – whatever form that pleasure might take. It’s not your own anymore. Take the anger you feel and use it, use it to topple these nobiles who would use you in such a way.’
I waited till she left the room and then I ran to the window and shoved it open. I inhaled the cold morning air, but all I could feel was them. Against my body, on my body, in my body. I could hear them, smell them, taste them …
I leant out as far as I could and lost the contents of my stomach, heaving into the waters. I watched it fall and splatter. Again and again I vomited. Finally, nothing came out but noise, guttural, primitive and loud. The sound of my wretchedness echoed up and down the canal, resounded in my head, through my being. Hollow. That’s what I was.
I turned back into the room, gripping the sill, and fumbled in the dresser drawer. I reached for the harlequin and squeezed it in my hand, panting.
That was how Hafeza found me, minutes later, squatting in the corner beneath the window, sobbing over the tiny glass statuette.
I didn’t hear her come in. She knelt down beside me and reached out.
‘Don’t touch me!’ I cried.
She withdrew her hand sharply. I could feel her shock, her compassion. I didn’t want it. I couldn’t have it. Not anymore. I didn’t deserve it.
‘Don’t ever touch me,’ I screamed as my body, wracked with pain and sobs, slowly curled into a ball against the floor.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
William Shakespeare
Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5
WINTER BOWED FAREWELL GRACEFULLY, the snow melting into spring, revealing the colour and life made dormant by the bitter cold. Birds busied themselves mating, flowers began to bloom and the markets were filled with the wares of enthusiastic merchants, keen to resume trading now warmer weather tamed the storms and calmed the rough seas. With the balmy evenings came invitations to private dinners, parties, recitals, theatre, opera and exclusive casinos. Not a day went past when either the land or water entrances of the Maleovellis’ casa weren’t receiving notes, gifts and even visitors. Selective about with whom Tarlo should and shouldn’t mix, the Maleovellis would deliberate before accepting. It was important that to whomever Tarlo gave her services, they also had the potential to offer more than