to merge with it, with Dante. It was no good. I hit my head against its hard surface. Fool, fool, fool.
No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to shut myself off from my old life, from Dante, above all the others – Pillar, Quinn, Renzo, Zia Gaia, even Francesca and our neighbours in the Candlemakers Quartiere – he continued to haunt me. I rested against the mirror, staring at my feet – white and frozen, and at their reflected twins. Why could I not forget him? It would make all of this so much easier.
Out of the corner of my eye, the harlequin glinted in the flames that now crackled in the fireplace. Despite what I had placed in the tiny statuette, and in spite of my resolution not to feel in that way anymore, I did. I felt so strongly, too strongly. I sighed and pulled away, dropping my arms and studied myself again.
My eyes were shadowed and my face drawn. I ran my fingers through my hair. It was long now, tumbling down my back.
Why could I not block Dante out? It was as if something was preventing me … why?
‘Go away,’ I whispered. ‘Please. I need you to leave me alone. How can I become what I know I must if you are still with me?’
I stared intently, hoping that somehow my own soul would open up to me. But I could not see the truth inside myself, only suffer it.
Dante would never go away. And I did not really want him to. I didn’t need my abilities as an Estrattore to tell me that. But the time had come for me to take the next step. Reading that pamphlet had made me more aware than ever of the desire I was trying to repress, of the urges that were enhanced every day I spent in Giaconda’s company, in this casa, with its lush fabrics, musty scents, and the insatiable lust and greed that clung to every surface.
I was not immune to it – on the contrary, I was absorbing it bit by bit, taking it into myself, deliberately, effortlessly, anything to block out the feelings that warred within me. What I knew was that I could no longer be denied.
‘I want more.’
‘And so you shall have it, Tarlo, cara.’
I did not hear Giaconda enter. I spun at her voice, curtsying and blushing that she should catch me so. She simply opened the door wider and stepped into my room. She indicated for Hafeza, who was close on her heels, to begin my morning bath.
‘Today, Tarlo, you and I are celebrating,’ she said, crossing to the window and flinging open the shutters. Feeble light crawled its way across the bedroom.
‘Sì? Why is that?’ I tried not to pull away as Hafeza dragged a wet cloth over my breasts. I noted the water had been scented with the heady fragrance Giaconda favoured. I inhaled it, trying to shut out my fevered thoughts. It didn’t help.
‘Carnivale.’
My eyes widened. ‘Carnivale! It starts today?’ I had been anticipating its arrival for weeks now.
‘Sì, it officially begins tonight and with that, so does some freedom for you. But since you cannot partake in tonight’s festivities –’ My face fell. She gave a small laugh and continued. ‘I have decided that instead, to make up for this, we will go on a trip so you may have a taste of what to expect.’
My stomach flipped, my hands fluttered. ‘I need the belladonna.’
She tipped her head. ‘Perhaps a little. But you will be masked and caped. This is a chance for you to see without being seen.’
I raised my arms as Hafeza pulled the camicia over my head.
‘Am I to be presented, then?’
‘Today we’re going to buy fabric for the dress you will wear for your first public appearance.’ My head spun.
‘Where? When?’
‘Sooner than you think. How else can we field offers for your most precious of gifts if the nobiles do not glimpse what it is they are bargaining for?’
I knew she wasn’t talking only about my talents as an Estrattore. Bids for my virginity would be seriously considered and the man with the most in terms of connections as well as soldi would be my first paramour. A sense of inevitability tinged with sadness rose. I quashed it immediately. I wanted this. I needed this. The Estrattore needed me to do this.
Giaconda watched me as Hafeza helped me into my gown. ‘No need to hurry. Make sure her