Violence (Antihero Inferno #3) - Lily White Page 0,83

things for the colleges they would go to.

Meanwhile, I was trying to decide how I wouldn’t lose my mind when Ezra left for Yale and I began my journey across the world.

I didn’t want to leave. Couldn’t stand the thought of that much distance between us, but I knew it was the only choice I had.

“Come with me. We’ll find somewhere private...”

Damon dragged me off, which wasn’t unusual for us. Not when I was sleeping with both twins, together and separate.

That was the rules of those six weeks.

I was allowed to experience anything I wanted.

Strings were meant to be entirely absent, too, but they’d somehow wrapped around my heart anyway, mostly tying me to the colder twin, the one who took my virginity, the one who was my first kiss, the one that somehow managed to pull me out of the endless fog overshadowing my life and showed me that, at least for a few years, I could have fun.

The one who fell in love with me, too, and made me believe in changing my fate.

At least, until all of it went to hell in an empty classroom, tucked away in a dark closet, with the mirror image of the boy I had given my heart to.

I don’t want this to end. And I know this is probably dumb to admit, but I think it’s also dumb not to say anything.

Damon had been so flustered, so nervous. His hair was a disheveled mess from running his hands through it, that big heart of his practically worn on his sleeve.

I love you, Red. And I can’t believe I’m even admitting this, but I’m panicking, you know? I feel like I’m losing you when school ends and I can’t stand it.

While he was pouring his heart out, most likely thinking I would be on board with how he felt, my heart was tearing apart and dropping to my feet.

Ezra and I both thought Damon was only in this to have fun. Neither of us had the first clue it meant more to him.

I almost told him the truth about what I’d promised Ezra. It was right there on the tip of my tongue. But then I saw the fading bruises on his skin. I remembered they were only days away from another bad weekend. I knew that telling Damon the truth would only drive a wedge between two brothers who needed each other to endure whatever was being done to them.

Don’t tell Ezra. He’d kick my ass for this. I don’t want him to feel like he’s being pushed out, and I need to decide how we can do this. But maybe after a few months of college, he’ll move on, and then it can just be us.

That was the moment when my feet stopped walking on air, and I was returned to the harsh reality of my life.

I had to give them both up.

Had to break my promise.

Had to pretend that I didn’t care.

There was no other choice than to drive them both away just so I would know that, when they left, it would be together.

They needed to lean on each other more than they needed me. So I decided to break my own heart in order not to come between them.

I did a lot of things I’m not proud of to break things off with the twins, and I bear the scars of those decisions to this day.

After leaving the twins’ house, I have to pull over twice on my way home to keep from wrecking my car. I can’t see past the tears, can’t breathe past the pain, can’t function all while knowing I will see them again to let them rip me to shreds without meaning to.

At least, Damon doesn’t mean to, but I’m not sure I can say the same about Ezra. There’s a vein of cold cruelty in that man that I’ll never dig out. But I can’t claim I don’t deserve it.

I hurt them both in many ways. And then I just walked off like it meant nothing.

At this point, it might be easier to finally admit the truth to both of them. Just sit them down and confess that they both feel the same way for me, that I made my choice a long time ago, and that they need to figure out how to handle it.

But I’m still too damn afraid.

Afraid it might break them apart.

Afraid it might sever them permanently.

Afraid that I’ll never forgive myself for being the catalyst that causes