“Breezy, I’m not sleeping if you’re not in the bed with me. I’d prefer a swim anytime to lying there waiting for you. Anything I do with you is better than doing it alone. If you can get that concept, we’ll be good.”
“I want you to think about at least taking a ride every day. Even for an hour, Steele. Let that be the first step toward letting go a little. Please do that for me.”
The idea of leaving her alone was terrifying, but he had to find a way to ease up. He needed to ride with his brothers. That was part of him, like breathing. He nodded. “I’ll want you with me every other time.” Just having his family, one at home and one with him, was already making him hyperventilate. He more than half hoped she would say no. She didn’t like to be away from Zane any more than he did.
“It’s a deal. Every other time. I’ll ask Lana and Alena to look after him. They’re always offering.”
That helped, knowing both of his very lethal sisters would look after his child. He needed physical activity. His body felt as if he’d been beaten with a baseball bat. In any case, the water in the pool was warm, and the outside temperature had dropped.
He glanced at his watch. The app was there, showing him that Zane slept peacefully. Nevertheless, he texted Maestro and Keys to keep an eye on the boy. Zane hadn’t been waking up since he’d been in his own crib, at least not to get up. Sometimes he woke up and played quietly in his crib before going back to sleep. Steele liked to watch him.
“Come swim with me now, Bree. I need to be in the water.” Maybe all along he knew he needed a pool. He liked to be in water. It helped make him feel like there wasn’t so much blood coating his skin, clinging to him in spite of all the scrubbing he did. In spite of his sterile rooms and continual cleaning.
Breezy didn’t hesitate. She left her silken kimono on a lounger, neatly folded. He loved her all the more for that. Very grateful she hadn’t asked him any questions about Demyan or that terrible, life-altering event, he took her hand and walked with her down the steps into the warm water. She’d let him share it his way.
“I didn’t realize you were so cold, baby.” He gathered her close, his arms sliding around her middle, just under her breasts. Her skin was freezing. That made him look around and really notice the weather.
The temperature on the northern California coast could drop fast and it had. The wind had picked up and he hadn’t even noticed when he observed everything. That was how far gone he’d been, lost in his past. Breezy had been right there with him, listening to his every word, words he didn’t even remember.
He tightened his hold on her. “I’m so damned lucky to have you, Bree. I know I don’t tell you enough, but I feel it. I’m sorry I hurt you when I sent you away. That should never have happened.” There was no way to explain how he’d felt when he’d learned her age. He didn’t want to think for one moment that he was anything like the men and women who had abused the children at the school where he’d grown up.
“It actually turned out to be a good thing, Steele,” she said, leaning her head back into him. “I learned how to be strong, and I needed to be. I like who I am so much more and I know I can be a better parent to Zane.”
He was proud of who she’d become. “You’re a wonderful mother to our son. I hope to be as good a father to him. Just bear with me during these first few months. To know that my son was taken, whether I knew about him or not, has shaken me.”
“I can understand that,” she admitted. “Thank you, Steele. I know it wasn’t easy sharing what you did with me. I needed to know so I could better understand.”
“I’ll keep trying to ease up,” he assured her. He knew he needed to. He wasn’t going to try to take advantage because she knew. He wanted to be better for her. For his son. For any future children they had.