Yet I was beginning to wonder: “If you can dance with them, and play billiards with them and talk with them, then why can’t you dwell among them, just the way you did when you were living? Why couldn’t you pass for one of them? And enter again into the very fabric of life where there is . . . what? Say it!”
And here it was nearly spring. And the nights were getting warmer, and the House of Thesbians was putting on a new drama with new acrobats between the acts. And the trees were in bloom again, and every waking moment I thought of Nicki.
ONE night in March, I realized as Roget read my mother’s letter to me that I could read as well as he could. I had learned from a thousand sources how to read without even trying. I took the letter home with me.
Even the inner chamber was no longer really cold. And I sat by the window reading my mother’s words for the first time in private. I could almost hear her voice speaking to me:
“Nicolas writes that you have purchased Renaud’s. So you own the little theater on the boulevard where you were so happy. But do you possess the happiness still? When will you answer me?”
I folded up the letter and put it in my pocket. The blood tears were coming into my eyes. Why must she understand so much, yet so little?
11
THE wind had lost its sting. All the smells of the city were coming back. And the markets were full of flowers. I dashed to Roget’s house without even thinking of what I was doing and demanded that he tell me where Nicolas lived.
I would just have a look at him, make certain he was in good health, be certain the house was fine enough.
It was on the Ile St.-Louis, and very impressive just as I’d wanted, but the windows were all shuttered along the quais.
I stood watching it for a long time, as one carriage after another roared over the nearby bridge. And I knew that I had to see Nicki.
I started to climb the wall just as I had climbed walls in the village, and I found it amazingly easy. One story after another I climbed, much higher than I had ever dared to climb in the past, and then I sped over the roof, and down the inside of the courtyard to look for Nicki’s flat.
I passed a handful of open windows before I came to the right one. And then there was Nicolas in the glare of the supper table and Jeannette and Luchina were with him, and they were having the late night meal that we used to take together when the theater closed.
At the first sight of him, I drew back away from the casement and closed my eyes. I might have fallen if my right hand hadn’t held fast to the wall as if with a will of its own. I had seen the room for only an instant, but every detail was fixed in my mind.
He was dressed in old green velvet, finery he’d worn so casually in the crooked streets at home. But everywhere around him were signs of the wealth I’d sent him, leather-bound books on the shelves, and an inlaid desk with an oval painting above it, and the Italian violin gleaming atop the new pianoforte.
He wore a jeweled ring I’d sent, and his brown hair was tied back with a black silk ribbon, and he sat brooding with his elbows on the table eating nothing from the expensive china plate before him.
Carefully I opened my eyes and looked at him again. All his natural gifts were there in a blaze of light: the delicate but strong limbs, large sober brown eyes, and his mouth that for all the irony and sarcasm that could come out of it was childlike and ready to be kissed.
There seemed in him a frailty I’d never perceived or understood. Yet he looked infinitely intelligent, my Nicki, full of tangled uncompromising thoughts, as he listened to Jeannette, who was talking rapidly.
“Lestat’s married,” she said as Luchina nodded, “the wife’s rich, and he can’t let her know he was a common actor, it’s simple enough.”
“I say we let him in peace,” Luchina said. “He saved the theater from closing, and he showers us with gifts . . . ”
“I don’t believe it,” Nicolas said bitterly. “He wouldn’t be ashamed of