Then he thought, I could never have been that patient.
He sat down beside her on the couch, next to the fresh drink she had made for him, and told her.
It seemed to take such a long time, somehow. Because it was so sad and awful and because he didn't know how much to tell her about his madness and he didn't much want to think about it himself.
And because he was suddenly so goddamned tired. He never looked at her once as he spoke.
She moved closer to him as he told it. Not clinging. Just the warmth. He heard her weep toward the end. Felt it. He got up to get another drink for himself. Maybe he sat down a little closer when he returned.
When he had finished, it was so very quiet. Just the three of them left and just the two of them awake and alone and the night out there haunting. There was a large television in the room with its cabinet doors open and a remote control beside his hand and it was so very quiet - he reached down and flipped it on.
Some movie channel. Some silly comedy. Slapstick and pratfalls and nothing even remotely serious and ten minutes into it the main character did something inane like jamming his hand in a drawer or something...
And they laughed.
Not loud. Not hard. But enough.
He turned and looked at her for the first time and she was lovely and smiling back.
Then he hid again in the screen.
They laughed some more. Not because it was funny. Maybe because it wasn't funny. It was stupid and mindless and so... easy. So silly and safe. And they laughed. And they drew closer and closer and when the film finally ended Felix had his arm around her shoulder and he turned to her and realized he stank and needed a bath.
She was already getting up.
"I've got to have a shower," she told him, rather shyly. He grinned. "Me, too."
"Oh!" she replied. "Do you want to go first?"
"No. I can use the other."
"But Cat's asleep."
"Yeah. Well, I'll wait."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Go ahead."
"Really?"
And he looked at her and they laughed again.
"Okay," she said. "I'll just be a minute."
"Take your time," he called after her.
And meant it. Because he was scared again.
He stayed scared the whole time he listened to the water running and his heart beating because he knew...
He knew...
He knew he wasn't going to be able to do this.
He didn't know why. Not yet. Not clearly yet. He only knew it was so. And unfair.
"Okay!" she called out cheerily. "Your turn!"
He sipped the rest of his drink dry in one sip and stood up and puffed on his smoke and put that out. Then he walked into the bedroom.
Utterly, impossibly beautiful. Toweling her hair in the dim bedroom, the light from the bathroom soft from behind her and across her bare shoulders wrapped up snug and clean in a huge white towel and he didn't blame her for this. From first sight it had been the two of them, rich and strong and needing each other. What she was doing was not wrong. Simply more painful.
He got past her somehow and into the bright bathroom lights. He even managed to close the door behind him without slamming it shut. He got his clothes off and into the huge sunken shower that smelled like her and drenched himself but none of it would go away.
Why can't I have her? Why do I feel like I can't?
Why do I feel like I can't yet?
What the hell more do I have to do?
Sure, they're still out there and, yeah, they're still biting people. But that's not my fault! Christ! I've fought and fought and everybody else is dead. They killed everybody else. Am I supposed to feel unworthy because they haven't gotten to me yet? What kinda samurai bullshit is going on here? Is it a disease or something? The Jack Crow Samurai Bullshit Syndrome?
It's not fair!
I don't want to kick any more ass. I'm scared, dammit! It's unfair to feel like I'm supposed to.
To feel like I must.
I don't want to have that goddamned torch passed on to me. That torch kills people. It kills everyone.
"I don't believe this shit!" he shouted out loud into the cascading water.
But it was true.
But maybe it was only true... now. Maybe it was just part of the grief and the like. Yeah! That was it! I'm just rundown and tired