one call. Time, after all, is the great equalizer."
Dale and Maureen nodded. Kern smiled. Carey scowled. "You're assigned a call," Kern said. "You get there as fast as you can, but the person's been waiting a real long time. They're pissed off, and they're being abusive to you, even if this isn't your fault. How would you deal with that?"
The Grand Inquisitor had been correct to brand me as in league with Satan and sentence me to the rack, for who but one in league with Satan could escape his shackles and disappear into thin air. Poor, sweet Julianne was unable to perform such magic. "First," I began, "I would not take any of it personally. Human nature often dictates that people will lash out at the most convenient target, regardless of whether or not that person, place or thing had anything to do with their predicament. Therefore, I would exert great effort to not allow this person to get under my skin, as it were.
"Second, I would do whatever possible to soothe this person, which of course, I would be best equipped to do if I maintain my composure. This person might be a frequent customer, and we would not want to lose their business. Or maybe it is their first time calling us. I would want to do whatever I could to let them know that this situation was an aberration."
"Then, you'd lie," Kern said, laughing loudly.
"Ignore him," Maureen said, her eyes never leaving mine.
"Hey, there's times in the afternoon when calls rot," Kern countered.
"We're working on it," Maureen replied, shooting Kern an angry glance, then turning back toward me, waiting for my answer. Was this not my interview?
Rot. Julianne's sweet soul gone, her body rotting in a mass grave, for I was unable to rescue her, having arrived too late to stop them. Her screams echoed in my skull as I searched for her, knowing her torturers relished her anguished cries, marveling at how many turns she could take beforeeven her spine finally snapped like so much kindling.
"Perhaps," I finally answered, "there are certain times of the day when the volume of business may result in less than optimal service. That being the case, I would attempt to explain it to the customer. Whenever possible, I would explain reasons why we were so late and offer viable suggestions as to how the customer might help rectify the situation."
"As you can tell," Maureen said, nodding at my response, "cab driving can be pretty stressful. How do you deal with stress?"
Ah ha! Do some applicants state that stress presents no problems, an obvious and transparent lie that would surely not go unnoticed by the committee? But what couldI say? Run naked through the woods, stalking deer, bear and other large prey, relishing the hunt before drinking the steaming blood of my quarry? "Stress is a part of life," I said. "One must accept that stress exists. One must yield to stress to overcome it."
"Lao Tsu!" Kern clapped his hands loudly.
"I appreciate your time, Al," Maureen said. "Only one question left." She glanced at the others. "Okay, who wants to ask it this time?" Dale rolled his eyes. Carey rubbed her temples and stared at the ceiling. Kern leaned forward, rubbing his hands vigorously together.
"I'll ask it. I'll ask it," Kern said, squirming excitedly in his chair.
"Go ahead," Maureen replied.
"Okay, Al. If they made a movie of your life, who would you want to play you?"
Motherless spawn of Satan! What kind of question was that? My mind drew an irritated blank, then suddenly I heard my own voice blurt out: "Frank Langella."
Kern laughed out loud, as did the others, even Carey. "Why?" Kern asked.
I was embarrassed and alarmed, then remembered there are no shadows in which to hide, only plain sight. "I admired his work in the nineteen seventy-nine version ofDracula . He brought an unprecedented sensitive sensuality to the role."
"There is no right answer to that question," Maureen said. "It's just something we ask, just because we've always asked it."
"Without tradition," Dale added, "we would be like a fiddler on the roof."
Maureen ignored Dale's remark. "Again, Al, thanks for your time. We'll be in touch."
I rose and shook hands with all the committee members. The way Kern smiled, I firmly believed he would support me. The others were inscrutable, but studying Carey's scowling countenance, I wondered if this had merely been an exercise in folly. Had others performed tasks in my behalf for so long that it would be