of the City has to make hard decisions, with no interest in mind other than the future of the city.” Again, there was that eerie shift in diction, and the voice coming out of his mouth was Elban’s. “We are born with soft hearts, but softness is the one luxury in which the Lord of the City cannot indulge.”
Judah felt his defeat. She saw it in the way he slumped on the couch. And she knew, suddenly, why he’d fled from them the night before, why he’d taken refuge in his courtier and her bottle of wine. “You’re going to do it,” she said, numb.
His mouth opened, and closed, and opened again. Finally, he said, “If I kill him, he’ll suffer for a few seconds. Maybe less, if I’m good. If Elly marries Elban, she’ll suffer for the rest of her life.” He was haunted inside, hollow. “You don’t know my father, Judah. You don’t know what he’s like.”
“I know what you’re like,” she said. “You can’t kill your brother.”
He was silent.
“She’ll hate you,” Judah said desperately.
“I know.” His voice was lifeless. “You will, too. But you’ll both be alive and safe.”
“You can’t.”
“I don’t want to,” he said, and there seemed to be nothing else to say.
It was ghastly, the way he switched himself back on when Elly and Theron came back. Not because he didn’t mean it, when he apologized to both of them for missing Theron on the training field or when—off to the side, although Judah knew what was happening—he apologized to Elly for the spectacle he’d made with his courtier girl. No, it was ghastly because she could feel that he did mean it. He was sorry he’d left Theron on the field alone. He was sorry he’d embarrassed Elly. But the hollowness remained, the deep sick well of horror. When dinner came the food tasted like ash in Judah’s mouth, but Gavin ate normally, and answered all of Theron’s questions about the hunt: how many people would be there, the order in which they’d all ride, the trappings and protocol and unspoken rules. And all the while, inside, Gavin was wretched.
She was wretched, too. After dinner Elly brought out the cards and Judah tried to excuse herself, but Theron said they couldn’t play three-handed and Elly insisted she needed a decent partner. Gavin simply said, “Stay with us, Jude,” and it was that which swayed her. The hunt was in the morning. For these last few hours, they were all safe together, and life was not a horror.
So she stayed, but she could not concentrate. She and Elly lost the game.
* * *
She slept uneasily and woke sometime in the early hours, her throat and lungs burning. As quietly as she could, she rose and crept out onto the terrace where Gavin was smoking. He was already dressed in his hunting clothes, tall boots and a quilted jacket. Judah’s feet were bare and the stone terrace was cold. She sidled close to him, stood against the warmth of his arm, and felt him lean his weight against her.
“What if Theron doesn’t go?” she said after a long time. “What if he’s sick or something?”
“Postponing the inevitable.”
“You can’t,” she said. “Not really.”
Her hand rested on the terrace balustrade. He laid his on top of it. The fear and horror inside him joined with hers, and reflected back, and reflected back. It made her feel dizzy and ill. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t let Elban take Elly. But I can’t kill Theron.” He considered. “I could kill Elban. But I’m sure he’s expecting that. He won’t give me the opportunity.” He squeezed her hand harder. “Help me, Jude. Help me figure out what to do.”
Gavin’s hand clutched hers, hard, and she clutched him back. She had no answer for him, no help to offer save that she always offered: so she tried to think of water. Still puddles of water reflecting clear blue sky. Cold water frozen over with a skin of ice. Dark water lapping gently at rocks. Fear swirled through all of it in hot streaks of red, but the weight of his body against hers grew heavier, and she felt his head rest on the top of hers.
Water, she thought. Calm.
* * *
Dawn came a few hours later. Judah noticed the tremble of Theron’s hands as he poured his coffee. His stutter was so bad he’d hardly been able to ask for milk. Gavin had tried to be easy, but it