Until the World Stops - L.A. Witt Page 0,86
Mom… She’s going to be recovering for a while, but it looks like she’s getting better.”
“Oh.” Tristan closed the fridge and turned to me. “That’s… That’s great. I’m glad to hear it.” He backed it up with an uneasy smile.
“Yeah. It is.” I paused, wondering how to proceed. He watched me as if he were waiting for me to say something. Or following my lead and waiting for a cue to exit gracefully. Of course that made me feel even worse. I already had all the cards, and now I’d broken the ice with a subject that didn’t leave him many ways to bow out of the conversation. Shit. I needed to just get this out on the table and be done with it. “Listen, um, I…” I took a deep breath. “I’m not gonna lie—the first thing I wanted to do when I got off the phone was tell you.”
His eyebrows jumped. “It was?”
“Yeah. But I…” Oh fuck. Words. I knew words, didn’t I? I cleared my throat and went on. “The thing is, through this pandemic, we’ve been leaning on each other because we’re all we have. But then things got weird, and I guess this is what it took for me to realize that I was glad you’re the one I got stuck with during this pandemic. You’re all I have right now, and it took that for me to realize you’re all I want.”
His lips parted. “But you didn’t even like me when this started. And look how shitty we were to each other before all this started. And I mean, how can we do this when I have to be completely dependent on you?” He shook his head. “There’s no way to balance things, you know?”
Nodding, I said, “I know. The first part—we couldn’t stand working together, and we both resented each other because this whole marriage thing… I mean, I guess I felt like I bit off more than I could chew. But then it was just us facing the world together, and man, we had this. That has to count for something, right?”
He watched me uncertainly. “Except you don’t want a relationship. You said yourself—”
“I know what I said. And I meant it. I still think the Navy makes relationships hard as hell, but for the first time, that all seems worth it. Long distance, getting—well, staying married… I’m in. Whatever it takes.” I swallowed. “Because the alternative is not being with you.”
Tristan stared at me.
“Look,” I said, “I know you’re afraid of lines getting blurry because you’re dependent on me, and I’m open to whatever suggestions you have to fixing that. Because I’ve been there with someone, and I don’t want to do it to you. If you want a separate account that only you have access to, and we put some of my pay in there every month, fine. If you’d rather nix the GI Bill and go the student loan route, cool. Anything you can think of to make this feel more balanced, I’m in, because I don’t want to lose you.” Struggling to hold his gaze, I whispered, “Tell me what I can do to make this work for you, because I want it to work.”
“You do? I mean…” He moistened his lips. “Dude, if the pandemic had never happened, we’d still be… Well, kind of doing what we have ever since we…”
I nodded. “If the pandemic had never happened, I don’t know if I ever would have figured out that you’re everything I want in a man. I just… I don’t know. What I do know is that the pandemic did happen, and it’s still happening, and I can’t imagine going through this without you.” I swallowed, and it was a struggle to keep my voice steady. “Which made me realize I can’t imagine going through anything without you.”
“Really?” he whispered.
“Yes. Really.” I swallowed. There was no point in beating around the bush, and I had nothing to lose if I said too much, so I decided the best approach was just to come out with it. All of it. I took a deep breath and took a cautious step closer. “If the world opened back up tomorrow, and a job fell into your lap with full benefits, and you didn’t need anything from me or from the Navy anymore, I still wouldn’t want you to leave.” Steeling myself, I looked right in his eyes. “I have to be a special kind of stubborn idiot who needed to