Casey. Getting out of the house was all right, and the food was as good as it ever was, but sitting here by myself and eating in a parking lot just wasn’t the same. I barely tasted my burger because all I could think about was the empty passenger seat. Even dipping a cheese curd in my Blizzard made me think of him, damn it.
With a heavy sigh, I put my burger and its wrapper down on the dashboard and let my head fall back against the seat. I’d gotten away from Casey. That was what I’d needed, and I’d done it, but now I felt worse.
Because the truth was, I didn’t want to be away from him. I missed him. I hurt for him. But things were so messed up between us, and I didn’t know how to fix them because I didn’t know where leaning on each other through a pandemic ended and we really began. No matter how much I pined after him and missed him, there was no way either of us could say for sure how we’d feel if life suddenly went back to normal tomorrow. Because if the world went back to normal, who was to say we wouldn’t? And whether I liked it or not, our normal was tension and resentment and finding excuses to be away from each other.
Which made me want to be away from him now, even while I desperately wanted to be close to him again, but of course it didn’t matter because I couldn’t avoid him. Neither of us could leave until God knew when. We could stay at opposite ends of the hallway. Avoid each other in the house. Communicate only when absolutely necessary and via text if we really got desperate.
But he’d still be there. I’d still be there. And so would all this weirdness and my stupid feelings and this lump in my throat that showed up every time I thought about how much I missed this man I couldn’t get away from.
Cursing into the silence of my empty truck, I slammed my hand down on the steering wheel just for the hell of it.
Damn it, we never should’ve slept together. It was hot and it was fun, and holy shit, sex took the edge off the isolation of social distancing, but it had been a mistake. Now we were even more distant and even more isolated, and the walls were closing in around us. Even if we didn’t go back to screwing around, I wanted to go back to chatting over fast food in a parking lot or chilling on the deck while we grilled outside. I wanted to ask if he’d had any updates on his family. How was his mom? Were his brother and dad still in the clear? And how was he holding up, being this far away when he wanted to be there so badly?
I rubbed my forehead. Maybe it was time to consider leaving. Or, well, getting my ducks in a row so that the minute the pandemic was over, I could get the hell out.
Step one, do what I could to move up the timeline so I could get out sooner than later. Tonight, I’d email my advisor and see about upping my class load starting next term. And I’d look around again and see if there was any work I could do online so I could scrape together some money.
I was only about a year away from an Associate’s degree. That would open some doors, wouldn’t it? Did I actually need the Bachelor’s?
Except…a year was way too fucking long to wallow in this tension between me and Casey. I needed a solution that fixed the problem now.
Shame I was low on options. Unless and until I had some cash flow, I had two choices once the pandemic was over: stay with Casey, or move back home with my parents.
I stared out the windshield, and my heart sank. Just thinking about living with my folks made my teeth grind. I loved them, but we were a lot better off as long as we weren’t under the same roof. We were way better if I wasn’t depending on them. Plus they were hardcore COVID deniers, and butting heads over the disinformation they spread on social media had put a strain on the family that would probably outlive the pandemic.
But even if staying with them sucked, I needed a break from this, and it couldn’t wait. I was beyond grateful