Until the World Stops - L.A. Witt Page 0,73

I did. Catharsis aside, I was down for every opportunity to be naked with Casey.

But what if I wasn’t? Did I really have a choice? Because I’d been thinking a lot about the balance in our relationship—hell, our arrangement—and no matter how I looked at it, Casey held all the cards. The way things had been between us lately, that hadn’t been part of the deal, but what was to stop him from deciding he was done with that deal?

I was overthinking it at the worst possible time. As I tugged his hair back and found his mouth with mine, a ripple of arousal chased away some of that cold water. Yes, I wanted him, and yes, I wanted to do this for him now. If I said no, he wouldn’t push. I doubted he could have pushed if he wanted to—the way he was trembling as we kissed, he was too brittle and unsteady to make any demands.

Cradling his face, I kissed him even more hungrily, and the way he melted against me made me weak. God, no, he wasn’t demanding anything from me tonight. He was pleading for it.

On some level, I wanted—needed—to pull away from Casey just to prove to my stupid brain that I could, but how? And what kind of dick would I be if I pushed him back to arm’s length now while he was worrying himself sick over his mom?

So I didn’t push him away. Instead, I nudged him toward his bed, and as we shuffled across the carpet, he pushed my shirt up and off. My skin broke out in goose bumps at the brush of cool air. Why did I feel so exposed?

Because you’re—

Stop. Quit overthinking it. The sex has been great, and if you’re going to bail, don’t do it now. Not when he needs it this much.

Casey broke the kiss and met my gaze. The lingering hint of red in his eyes made me feel even guiltier for the thoughts swarming in my head, and then he whispered, “You okay?”

I swallowed. “Yeah, yeah, I’m…” Picking the absolute worst moment to have second thoughts about all this. “I’m good.”

His brow pinched. “You sure?”

No. No, I’m not.

But I grinned and pulled him back in as I said again, “I’m good,” and then I kissed him before either of us could catch on that I wasn’t.

If I stopped doing this, what was to stop him from kicking me out? Or pulling back his veterans benefits? I wouldn’t lose Casey’s GI Bill benefits if we got divorced—they were transferred to me and didn’t revert automatically if we divorced—but Casey could pull them back at any time whether we divorced or not. And if we did, my access to his healthcare would be gone.

Sliding my hands down over his hips, I suppressed a shudder at the thought of how much I had on the line every time I made the decision to either join him in bed or say no. I’d never said no because I’d never wanted to. I always wanted Casey and the amazing sex that happened whenever we were together.

But lately, worry had been steadily gnawing at me, some part of my brain sure that saying no might not be an option, and knowing that made it incredibly hard to say yes. Even now, when I knew Casey needed more than just sex.

He hadn’t tried to hold anything over my head, and he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who’d threaten to send me out on my ass if I didn’t put out, but now of all times, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to toe this line. That my choices were either let myself get too close emotionally to Casey, or pull away and get tossed out on my ass with no job, no insurance, and potentially no tuition, which would be a disaster even if we weren’t in the middle of this stupid pandemic.

That…made me want this even less. Sex with Casey was fun, and so was hanging out with him when we were stuck together with nowhere else to go. Feeling obligated to have sex or spend time with him? Feeling like I couldn’t get as emotionally involved as I wanted to, but I also couldn’t pull away physically? Not exactly a turn-on.

Overthink it later, I told myself. He needs this right now.

And dear God, I wanted to be what he needed. I didn’t want to make this about me, and I didn’t want to