the hall. A tiny noise, so slight you could miss it if you were breathing too heavily, comes from down the hall.
My head rotates so fast, my neck pops. My entire body hums. I hunt for the sound again and wonder if I imagined it … just as I’ve been imagining things at home. Savi begins playing Elgar Cello Concerto in E Minor. It’s a joke in the music world that this piece makes the cello sound like a human voice. I listen wistfully, so taken by her talent but also wanting to know what I just heard.
I take slow, shaky steps down the carpeted hall. My fingers glide over textured wallpaper until I come to another door. It’s at the very end of the hall, tucked away. I press my hands against the wood, then my ear. Silence.
“Ms. Rebecca?”
I move away as if I’ve been caught. “Sorry. I thought I heard something.”
Savi’s hazy outline floats down the hall. “That’s just the guest room. Come play!”
I retreat down the hall, moving slowly, and join her, but my mind is somewhere else. It’s on Jackson. And Jake. And sweet baby Oliver. It’s on whatever Jake’s keeping from me. It’s on Officer Toby’s lack of belief—because I’m blind. It’s on my grief, coiled and bunched, hissing from the corner.
It’s on Crystal getting home and being able to offer help.
Minutes later, I hear the door open and close downstairs, and then Crystal’s footsteps. We finish the song, and I glance toward the doorway.
“Rebecca?” Crystal asks. “Hey. Are you okay?”
“Hi, sorry.” I stand, suddenly embarrassed. How could I be focused on anything other than Jackson right now? What am I even thinking? “There’s a break in the case, but Jake won’t tell me exactly what it is. I thought you could help me research. I didn’t know where else to go.”
Crystal crushes me in her arms. “Of course I can help.”
I pull back. “Thank you. I’m not really even sure how you can help. I just thought … I don’t know what I thought.”
“Where’s Jake?”
“Chicago. Homicide.”
“Shitty timing.”
“Mom.” Savi whispers. “Language.”
“Sorry.”
Will I ever raise a surly son who gives me a hard time for cursing? Will I ever get to hear him speak, tuck him into bed, or tell him good night? A sob ratchets through my chest, but I catch it and calm myself. One step at a time. Panic will not get me anywhere. I know that now.
“Unfortunately, I’ve got a client crisis I need to handle, but then I can come to your house right after?” Crystal asks.
“Can I go with Ms. Rebecca?”
Crystal hesitates, but I butt in. “It’s totally fine. She can keep me company.”
“Can I bring my cello too?”
“Duh,” I tease. “Is that okay?”
“Please, Mom!” Savi begs.
“Just for a little bit. I’ll be there as soon as I can, once I wrap things up.”
“Take your time.”
We all tread down the stairs slowly. Here I am, coming to Crystal for help, and I’m going to end up helping her. My ears prick for what I thought I heard down the hall, but I know it’s my own wishful thinking. I can’t fabricate a result. I can’t make the police, DCFS, Jake, or Toby move any faster.
“Are you sure you don’t mind if she comes over?” Crystal asks again. “It would help me out so much.”
I don’t ask about Pam, but instead nod. “Of course she can.”
“Thank you. Let me just pack her a lunch and some snacks.” On cue, her phone rings. “Crap. This is the client. Hold that thought and I’ll get her stuff ready.” She disappears out back. The sliding glass door opens and shuts.
Savi and I wait in the foyer. “Do you like living in this big old house?” I ask.
“Sometimes. I really miss my dad though.”
“I’m sure you do.” Savi doesn’t often mention her dad, and I don’t know whether to keep going or to let it die. “What do you miss the most about him?”
“I miss the way he used to take me places. We’d go to the museums or go walk by the beach.”
“What else?”
“I miss his pancakes. He made the best pancakes.”
“I bet he did.” Chris was terrible at cooking. He would burn toast.
“I set fire to all his boxes.”
Her admission startles me. “What?”
“My dad’s stuff. It used to take up this entire room.”
I try to conjure a room full of boxes. “Why did you set fire to them?”
“Because they were making my mom sad. I need to go to the bathroom before we