Until I Find You - Rea Frey Page 0,67

them or they disappear. Crystal pops into my head again. She’s the only one who really gets this level of grief, who clings to it but then also has to let it go because life marches on regardless.

I reach into my pocket for my phone, but it isn’t there. I must have left it downstairs. The baby works on draining the bottle. I sing to him. My voice is soft, but he seems to enjoy it, because he falls asleep while eating. I gently burp him and lay him back in the crib. Another tear slips down my cheek as I crank the mobile and step silently from the room. On the landing, I hesitate.

I know what will happen if I go downstairs. I take a step anyway. The wood groans. One drink. One touch. One kiss. Chris flashes through my mind, my amazing husband who will never again get to have a drink, touch, or kiss. My conscience surfaces. I can’t. However much I want to, I can’t. I retreat to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed, overcome with memories of Jake and Chris, all clashing for space in my brain.

I stare at the vast, dark space. I remember my first kiss with Jake, wild and unbridled, and my first kiss with Chris, sweet and unsuspecting. My brain dims. My eyes grow heavy but my mind isn’t kind enough to let me sleep.

I think of the first motorcycle ride with Jake, slicing through the city streets and feeling on the brink of death. My first walk without my sight felt similar—every Chicago block offering an uncertain land mine just waiting to detonate. In one experience, my fingers had wrapped around Jake. In another, Chris. I’d needed something from both men—love and adventure from Jake, comfort and security from Chris. When had I stopped relying on myself? Why had I always relied on a man for help?

The questions trample my brain until I’m desperate for a break. But still, sleep eludes me. Sometime, hours later, when my memories are raw, the sun cracks through the blinds. I stand, shower, and prepare myself for the day ahead.

29

CRYSTAL

Savi shakes her mother awake. “You slept the entire night. Are you sick?”

“What?” Crystal rolls over and rubs her eyes. “What time is it?”

“Seven. You missed dinner and everything!” She bounds out of the room.

Crystal checks her phone. Pam had texted last night to say she’d stay the night and also that she was now downstairs making breakfast. Crystal rolls her eyes at the amount of emojis in one text.

She uses the extra time to shower, brush her teeth, and get dressed. She can’t remember the last time she slept so long. What was that, twelve entire hours? Instead of feeling rested, she’s groggy and desperate for coffee.

Downstairs, Savi and Pam laugh about something. Crystal wraps her damp hair into a topknot and pauses at the entrance to their sleek, white kitchen. Pam flips a piece of bacon and scoops some eggs onto a plate for Savi.

“Morning.” Crystal slides behind her for a cup of coffee.

Pam turns, cheeks flushed. “Morning. Did you get good sleep?”

“I did. I’m sorry to have kept you overnight.”

“Don’t apologize.” She waves the spatula in the air. “I was happy to help. Right, Savi? We braided each other’s hair and watched a movie. It was awesome. So quiet.”

Crystal bites her tongue. Pam is the oldest of four children and loves to feel needed. It’s why Crystal hired her, but she doesn’t want to blur the lines of Pam being Savi’s buddy versus being paid to watch her. Especially with their recent string of issues. She clears her throat and takes a sip of coffee.

“Busy day today?” Pam asks cheerily.

Crystal checks her calendar and realizes she’s supposed to start Bec’s kitchen renovation tomorrow. Today is prep day. “Yes.” She scrolls through her texts again and finds one from Bec that says she’s okay and will call later. But she hasn’t called. She wonders if she’s forgotten about tomorrow.

“Savi and I already have our day planned, don’t we?”

Crystal peers at them and waits for either of them to elaborate, but they don’t. “Are you going to tell me what you’re up to?”

“It’s a secret.” Savi giggles. “But it does involve magic!”

“Okay, Houdini. I’m going to finish getting ready,” Crystal jokes.

Fifteen minutes later, she’s laden with bags and materials for her meeting at Bec’s. The contractor is set to meet at the house later today, but on the way, Crystal