dive into the water. The ominous, unexpected splash steals a collective gasp from the crowd. The water’s icy fingers asphyxiate my lungs, but I claw toward the object. My satin gown gathers moisture and drags me down.
The water makes everything even darker, but I will drown before I come up without my child. I trace the trail of the fallen object in my mind and listen for chortled cries. I wait for someone to jump in after me, but no one comes. My lungs bite for air. I open and close my hand and plunge deeper into nothingness. Just when I think my lungs will explode, my fingers bump into something gritty. I yank and realize it’s not Jackson. What is it? I loop a strap around my wrist and tug. My hands close in on something large and full of lumps: his diaper bag.
The humiliation propels me toward the surface, the bag heavy and last to rise. My lungs scream, and I break free just as I run out of breath.
“Rebecca!” Crystal is at the pool’s edge. She reaches for my drenched arms. “Oh my God. Are you okay?” She helps me out of the pool. The crowd has grown impossibly silent. I turn toward Candace, who profusely apologizes. The wet silk clings to my body like a second skin.
“Oh my God, Rebecca. I’m so sorry,” Candace says. “I dropped the diaper bag. You thought … I feel so awful. He woke up and wouldn’t take the bottle, so I just thought I’d find you and see if there was anything else I could do…”
Jess approaches with a fluffy towel and wraps it around me. “Let’s get you upstairs.”
I ignore the dramatic murmurs from the neighbors. Candace follows behind, her apology on repeat.
“Just take him to the nursery and we’ll be right there, okay? And here, take this.” Jess hands Candace the sopping diaper bag. “Get the baby settled and see if you can salvage what’s in here, please.”
Jess ushers me to her bedroom, strips the dress from my body, and rummages in her closet. “Well, that was interesting.”
I shake my head, bewildered. “It was honestly a mistake. I could have sworn he was drowning. I thought…” Once again, I thought I sensed something that wasn’t there.
“You really need to get some rest, Bec.”
“I know.” My voice sounds defeated, even to my own ears. “How will I go back out there?”
“You’re not.” Jess presses some clothes into my hands. “You’re going to change into these, feed Jackson, take a sleeping pill, and go to bed. No explanations. No apologies. You just need a good night’s sleep. I’ll take care of this.”
“I don’t have sleeping pills.”
“I do. I’ll be right back.”
I slip into her T-shirt and oversized pajama bottoms and wring my dress out in her bathtub. I locate her shower rod, drape the dress over it, then pad down the hall to get my baby. I push open the door and hear a voice singing a nursery rhyme—not Candace. My skin bristles.
“Beth?” I push into the room. Jackson is cuddled in her arms, smashed next to Trevor.
“Sorry. I came up to see if you were okay, and I heard him crying,” she whispers. “Are you alright?”
My body deflates. I consider her question and think about lying, about saying I’m okay, that it was all a mistake. Instead, I shake my head. “No.” I find the rocking chair and sink into it, and Beth kneels beside me. Jackson coos in her arms. I stroke the top of his head and pull him into my lap.
“I can’t believe that just happened.”
“You did what you had to,” Beth says. “Anyone would do the same.”
Someone else hovers in the doorway. “Hey.”
I shift in the chair. “Come in.”
“I’ll let you two talk,” Beth says. “Let me know if you need anything, Bec.” She grabs Jackson’s bare foot and shakes it. The bells tinkle. “And you, little man. Be good for your mom.” Beth eases out the door and makes room for Crystal. The sound of gathered, swirling fabric bunches in Crystal’s fist as she crouches beside me.
“I may be overstepping my bounds here, but I have a therapy session tomorrow. Why don’t you take it? I’ll call Dr. Gibbons and tell her you can take my place. I think it would do you good.” She pats my arm. “To talk to someone. I know it always helps when I go.”
I swipe a hand to clear my tears. “I don’t see you making a public