Until I Find You - Rea Frey Page 0,11

She reaches for the banister. Vertigo. She toes the edge of the stairs and second-guesses gravity as she lowers herself inch by inch. She descends until she misses a step and opens her eyes before she falls.

“Jesus,” she whispers. She turns to look at the battered staircase. She’s always had a thing about stairs: a fear of falling down them, a fear of dropping Savi as a child, a fear of being pushed. What must this be like for Bec to go up and down blind with a baby? Crystal rounds the corner. Bec is audibly perusing emails. Crystal clears her throat and stabs a finger behind her.

“Have you thought about the stairs?”

She stops what she’s doing. “What about them?”

“I mean, for safety. With Jackson.”

She shrugs. “I’m used to them.” She closes her laptop. She scoots forward on the stool. “But it’s crazy you just said that, because lately I’ve been having nightmares about those stairs.” She shakes her head. A few strands escape her bun. Her shocking green eyes slide back and forth under the harsh kitchen lights.

Crystal waits for her to explain, but she doesn’t. She sips her coffee, now cold, and tops it off. “I used to have the same fear about the stairs,” she offers. “The spiral staircase we have now…” She shivers. “Let me come up with some creative ideas for you. Some safety features at least. It would make me feel better to know you have a better system in place.”

“Sure.” Bec smiles. “And I’d still love to come to your place sometime. I’m sure you’re tired of coming over here.”

No one has been to their house except Pam. “When I get the place set up, we’d love to have you over. It’s just such a mess right now.”

I’m such a mess right now.

From upstairs, Jackson begins to cry. Bec fingers her braille watch. “See? He does cry.” She waits for him to quiet, and miraculously, he does. “Did you get what you need?”

Crystal nods. “I did. Thanks.” She checks the time. “I’ll get out of your hair.” She walks toward the door and re-shoulders her purse. On her way out, she turns. “Are you still okay to give Savi a cello lesson tomorrow?”

Bec winks. “Highlight of my week.”

“I’ll be sure to tell her that. Have a good one. Call me if you need anything.” Crystal pauses before leaving, the hairs on the back of her neck pricking to attention as she passes the stairs.

“Bye, Crystal.”

She ignores the eerie feeling and waves. “Bye, Bec.”

6

CRYSTAL

At home, Crystal slides the key into the lock. The house is much too large for her and Savi without Paul, but she wants Savi to grow up in a good neighborhood with good schools. As if the goodness could somehow erase her daughter’s grief.

Their grief.

She calls for Savi and then sees a note from Pam taped to the fridge.

Gone to the park! XOXO

She opens the fridge and uncorks a bottle of white wine. Never too early, right? She pulls down a stemless glass from the open shelf. She completely gutted the kitchen before they moved in, and now it’s minimal, clean, and organized. It looks out onto the pool and manicured scrap of lawn. Paul had argued the yard was too small, but she’d disagreed. Neither of them wanted to spend their Saturdays mowing or obsessing over the lawn. In hindsight, she’s glad she stuck to her guns. She sips the crisp drink and walks back through the house and pauses outside the living room.

A row of moving boxes takes up the entire back corner. She lowers her wine to the hall table and approaches the stack. She trails a finger over the cursive Sharpie: Paul study. Paul bedroom. Paul garage. Paul office.

Though a few of Paul’s personal items are scattered around the house (some of them now missing), most of his items are here. Six months have already passed since the accident. Why haven’t I unpacked them yet? Though they are a constant reminder of loss, she can’t make herself slice open the tops and dig into the remainders of his life. She doesn’t want to hold each personal memento in her hand and decide how it will be handled. It’s too much. So she pretends they don’t exist.

She’s so good at pretending.

Crystal walks past the spiral staircase and heads out back. She sits at the edge of their rectangular saltwater pool, next to her favorite azalea bush, removes her sandals, and dangles her feet into the cool water.