looking me in the eyes. “You’re a special girl. One that makes me proud. Don’t let life take that from you. Fight for it and prevail.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant by all that, but it sounded hopeful. It sounded like she believed in me. I needed someone to. “I will, Nonna,” I promised her.
Later that evening as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling I realized a part of me was looking forward to going to school tomorrow. But when I tried to decipher what it was I liked most about school, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
The idea of seeing Gunner in the morning and our ride to school or facing Brady again and listening to him say things to me he shouldn’t. Both were pathetic, and I needed to stop pretending that there could be something like that for me.
Brady and his smiles that had made my heart go silly when I was a kid still caught me somewhere in the chest. He was so good and dependable. You could trust him and know he wouldn’t let you down. He also had a girlfriend he wasn’t actually claiming, so that was a strike against him. I wasn’t sure if what I felt in that kiss was the little girl with the crush bleeding through or something more.
Gunner was different. He frustrated me and calmed me all at once. I didn’t question his motives; I understood them. He didn’t go out of his way to be kind to everyone, but he also wasn’t leading any girls on. He was brutally honest. When I was with him, I got comfort I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Part of me actually needed him.
I’d had a chance at being a normal teen, and I’d ruined that. Demolished was a better word. My choices were the things nightmares were made of.
Closing my eyes, I thought of the days after that night and the times I had tried to wake myself from the living horror I wanted to be only a nightmare. If I could just wake up and Quinn and Poppy would still be alive.
If only second chances were real. They weren’t. They never would be. Not for me and not for Poppy.
My cell phone was tucked away in the antique maple dresser that sat directly across from my bed. It was there. I knew it was there. I just couldn’t touch it or turn it on. My mother might have had the service turned off by now. I wasn’t sure. I just knew I wouldn’t use it again.
That small, flat smartphone held the memory of the last phone call I had accepted. A call from Poppy’s mother. I never turned it back on again. I couldn’t face the text messages or anyone else trying to call and find out details while attempting to act as if it was sympathy. That was the worst of it all. The nosy way people fished for the specifics.
Then there were the memories of the Snapchats and texts that I’d done daily with Poppy. There was too much on that phone that I couldn’t see. I wondered if I’d always be this raw. Did a heart heal from something like this?
You’re Not Dressed in Nineties Clothing
CHAPTER 24
GUNNER
Like the other times I had picked up Willa, she was waiting on me out by the road so I wouldn’t have to turn into her drive. I had given her space after the way she had opened up to me about her friend. I was guessing that other than her nonna no one here knew that story. Everyone here assumed her mother had sent her packing and run off with a new man, since that was once her thing.
Telling me had been a big deal for her. Just as my telling her I wasn’t really a Lawton had been a huge deal for me. I’d sworn to myself to never tell anyone, but I had wanted to tell someone. I had wanted to tell Willa. It was trust. I trusted her more than anyone I realized when the words fell from my lips. Why that was, I didn’t really know. But I did.
I had placed a blueberry muffin on her seat. Not once had I forgotten to bring her whatever baked good Ms. Ames had on the kitchen table since the first day she’d ridden with me. I liked doing it for her, and I liked the way she smiled when it was there waiting