Truth in Advertising Page 0,63

London-style. The tie is also notable for its explosion of colors. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, but the stubble is patchy fourteen-year-old goose down that looks like the result of a fight lost to a Flowbee. His black hair is a kind of buzz cut on the sides, creating a cupcake effect, the top frosting the recipient of a fair amount of mousse or gel or pomade or Brylcreem. His expression is severe. It could be my imagination but it looks to me like he’s trying hard to keep from laughing.

Ian says, “I don’t know, but he looks familiar.”

Frank waits for silence and then says, smiling, “What a group. I love you guys. Every one of you. To work over the holidays like this for one of the great brands in the world today.” He pauses and shakes his head slowly. “I love your asses.”

The Japanese newcomer looks askance at Frank. Surely he’s thinking, Did he just say “asses”?

Martin jumps in. “Well said as always, Frank. Before we look at the work, I’d like to introduce our good friend, Mr. Keita Nagori. He was in New York and was kind enough to drop by and join us for this review.”

Ian says, “No. It can’t be.”

I whisper, “Is it me or does Keita Nagori sound like a California roll with salmon?”

Ian says, “You make me cringe for you.”

Ian taps his iPhone a few times and holds it up to show me just exactly who Keita Nagori is. A quick Google search has Keita number twelve on the Forbes list of richest men in Japan. Keita’s father bought the agency last year.

Ian says, still whispering, “There’s a billionaire in the room.”

Keita nods crisply.

Martin nods to me to begin. “Fin. Please.”

I preface the ideas by saying we have a lot of good thinking on the table. I always say this. I say we’ve shared a lot of it with the account team already to make sure we were on the right track. I say, referring to the brief, that we feel we have a couple of ideas that could definitely be powerful, breakthrough, charming, funny, differentiating, memorable, groundbreaking, game-changing. I do not believe a word I am saying and am confident that no one else does either. They smile and nod politely, though. I notice that Keita is sitting forward, elbows on the table, leaning against his tented fingers. It looks awkward and uncomfortable, as if he is posing as a businessman at a meeting. He smiles briefly at me.

Each team shares their ideas.

Despite my initial excitement for the ideas, something often happens in the presentation phase where I am disappointed and slightly embarrassed by them. I make the mistake of assuming the flat expression on everyone’s faces is boredom. I want them to look like children upon seeing puppies. My guess is that Martin, Alan, and Jill are thinking of every possible thing wrong with the idea. How will the client respond? Is it remotely like anything else out there? Who could we offend? Are there hidden messages the trade press could pick on?

Ideally we should have had a month, not a week. Ideally we should have had another month to find the right director, location, and cast. The client sees the ideas in three days. They basically have to decide immediately. If this all happens—and I doubt it will as it’s simply not a feasible schedule—we would need to be shooting in less than a week. Which is impossible. But we’ll do it.

People like 1984 and William McDonough. But the idea they spark to is a new one. Ian came up with it this morning. Every baby we see in birthing rooms around the world—the U.S., Europe, China, Africa—has Al Gore’s giant head on their tiny baby body. Proud Chinese fathers and grandfathers look at baby Al. An African mother and father hold baby Al. Swedes, Koreans, Mexicans, Filipinos. It’s called “An Inconvenient Poop.” Okay, that’s not true. It’s called “Al Gore.” The voice-over would say, “Now, with new Snugglies Planet Changers, the world’s first disposable, biodegradable diapers, every time you change a diaper, you can help change the world.” Our online people are looking into change-a-diaper-change-the-world.com.

Frank says, “Can we get Al Gore?”

Jill says, “I saw him on 30 Rock. He’ll do TV. I have a friend at J. Walter Thompson and they were looking at him for something.” Frank nods.

Jill says, “Should it just be newborns or should we show toddlers, too? Toddlers are a huge market for