Troublemaker - Kayley Loring Page 0,43
same tone of voice he’d use to tell me that he saved me a cookie.
“How were you even able to do that?”
“Cheyenne helped me.”
“Of course she did. And Miss Stiles helped you set up a dating profile for me?”
“Did she tell you about it?”
“She just emailed to ask me about it.”
Ryder smacks his lips together. “I think that might be a good thing.”
I’m about to ask him to thoroughly explain what he’s talking about, but he no longer has to. Because I’m staring at a profile picture of a drawing of me. I’d praise him for it, because he’s really good at drawing and doesn’t even know how talented he is and he gave me really huge biceps and pecs—except I’m staring at a fucking profile picture of my son’s drawing of me on WooHooCupid. With the handle MisterDadPants13. I guess MisterDadPants 1 through 12 were already taken.
“You set this up at school? With Miss Stiles?”
“At lunchtime. She helped me type the answers for the questions.”
Well, this should be life-affirming.
“You’re sure you didn’t submit it and make this profile public?”
“Yes.” He nods vehemently. “I’m pretty sure.”
“Did you use a credit card?”
He shakes his head. “It’s free. Can I have a credit card?”
“No.”
I scroll through the questions that have answers.
What I’m all about:
I have nice hair and a really cool son who is the best kid on this planet. Also, I like gelato but not the good flavors.
What I’m doing with my life:
I make movies on movie sets and I drive my son around and make him lunch and stuff. I like to fold laundry, which is weird. I’m nice most of the time and other people seem to think I’m pretty funny, I guess.
Current life goal:
Let my son stay up later. Be happy and have a new wife that my son likes. She can live with us too if she is cool.
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Weird grown-up things that are mostly boring except when I decide what to make for dinner.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:
The first Harry Potter but I’m not allowed to read the next one yet. Kung Fu Panda and Shrek. Pokémon and the one with the skinny guy with the big teeth and the bald friend and the tall guy with funny hair and the lady who yells a lot. I like Katy Perry but don’t tell anyone. I like all the foods usually but sometimes I forget to eat and I am Mr. Grumpy Dumpy Face.
Do you enjoy discussing politics?
Yes.
Explain your answer.
The word discussing has “cussing” in it and I’m not supposed to do that, but I always do anyway so it must be important.
Is a person’s astrological sign important when it comes to dating?
Yes.
Explain your answer.
The word astrological is funny because it has “ass” in it. So that’s important.
Your partner wants to keep an exotic monkey as a pet because it would be fun at parties…
Cool.
Answers I’ll accept…
Cool.
This question is…
Mandatory.
Explain your answer.
All monkeys are cool and fun at parties and so is my son. If my son likes your monkey, then you can keep it. He likes almost all the monkeys.
I scrub my face with the palms of my hands. “Are you sure this is meant to be a dating profile for me and not for you to meet some cool monkeys?”
He blinks at me. “Can I have a monkey?”
“No.”
He crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Fine.”
“You’re telling me that Miss Stiles helped you with these answers? At lunch? Why would she do that?”
He shrugs. “Because I asked her to. Is dinner ready soon? I’m hungry.”
“Why did you ask your teacher to do this?”
Ryder’s face scrunches up beyond recognition.
“You aren’t in trouble, buddy. Yet. Just tell me.”
“Cheyenne said to make Miss Stiles jealous.”
“Cheyenne said? So you’re getting dating advice from your seven-year-old girlfriend, about your dad and your teacher?”
“She’s not my girlfriend! But she’s a girl. And she knows a lot about girls and ladies and stuff.”
“I don’t happen to agree with you there. Listen… I appreciate that you’re trying to help me. I do. But I told you—Miss Stiles doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to date while you’re in her class.”
But hang on…
I get an email notification on my phone.
FROM: [email protected]
Dear Mr. Vega,
I hope this email finds you well. The holiday season is fast approaching, and so is the Silver Lake Elementary School’s Winter Festival! As you may know, each year one class is chosen to perform the holiday show. This year my class has