TORMENTED_ Jani Kay - Jani Kay Page 0,43

felt light and useful.

I sank down into the corner of the cubicle and let the water jet down on me. It was this or a bottle of Jack.

I sat there until the water ran cold. Funny how the icy water stung my skin worse than the scalding hot stream did. My dick had shriveled up, hiding from the world and me in shame.

Was this really what I’d become? A heartless fucker who didn’t care about anyone, not even himself? A man who’d caused the death of two unborn babies, who would never get to suck air into their lungs? A man who hadn’t been able to save the girl he loved?

I didn’t deserve to live. And I definitely didn’t deserve to love.

Or be loved.

For how long I sat there, I had no idea. Eventually my teeth chattered so hard that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. My skin had wrinkled like that of the old man I felt like deep inside.

Staggering toward my bed, I heard the familiar ringtone I had set especially for Eva’s calls. I wanted to dive for the phone so I could hear her sweet voice. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay. But I just let it ring out, stuck underneath a pile of clothes in the bathroom. My heart—and everything inside me—ached like a motherfucker. Letting go was so much harder than I’d imagined. Even if she wouldn’t let me fuck her ever again, just holding Eva all night long would be enough.

I'd never felt like this before. Not even with Amy. It was fucking with my mind. But most of all, it was fucking with my heart.

This pain. This torturing pain. It meant I was still alive.

I wanted it to stop. The pain. The torture.

To stop forever.

I was so fucking tired.

Tired to the fucking bone.

Tired of everything.

I drifted into a deep sleep but not before the familiar ringtone called to me again and again and again.

Eva.

Eva.

Eva.

Chapter 25 – Harrison

Three days later

Dragging myself into the office after yet another sleepless night, I kept my sunglasses on to temper the glaring light. My head pounded like a motherfucker.

“You look like shit,” Callahan, my boss, A.K.A. Dirty Harry said, as I slumped into the chair across from his desk.

“Yeah,” agreed Savage.

“Since when is this a fucking beauty pageant? You called me to come in to the office today, and here I am. Who gives a fuck what I look like?”

My boss cleared his throat. “Have you been binge drinking again? He leaned forward in his chair, his hands clasped on the papers in front of him. He peered over the glasses that had slipped forward off the bridge of his nose. “I thought you gave that shit up when you got mixed up with Eva.”

Dirty Harry was getting old. I’d never noticed it before today.

“Ahhh, does a leopard ever change his spots? That’s the real question, huh?” Sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, but I didn’t care. I was at such a down point that it was all I could muster. The fucker had no idea what it felt like to lose your woman. He’d been happily married for more than twenty years—what would he know about my life?

“Seems you always revert back to booze when something goes wrong,” Savage accused me. Christ. Usually he was on my side, but clearly that wasn’t the case today.

Dirty Harry lifted a brow and gave me a hard, penetrating look. “Well, guess what? You’re going to have to clean up your act. The two of you have been sent on a special mission to Afghanistan. You leave in four hours. Get your shit together, and be ready to ship out as instructed.”

I drew in a sharp breath. It hurt my fucking head even more. Ripping off my sunglasses, I jumped to my feet and grabbed the papers he was holding out of his hands.

“Let me see that. Who the fuck gave these orders?” This shit was the last fucking thing I needed. My gaze ran over the signatures. All the right ones were there. Some secret fucking mission I was supposed to feel honored being chosen for.

“What’s your problem, man? Didn’t you say a few months ago that you wanted to go kick some ass? This is your chance . . . our chance.” Savage looked at me, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t overjoyed.

I groaned. “That was a long time ago. Now I have other things weighing