on the patio, watching porn or maybe a horror film.”
Relenting, I explain, “Dove shouldn’t go to the Village tomorrow to help, but Mama and I are going.”
Lana fixes her baby’s booty and whispers, “I’ll be home with Carina. I can watch Dove and Future.”
I smile at the shiny blonde woman and then at the devious blonde woman. “Is tonight’s thing with the Village dangerous? The men came back before and said it was easy. Is tonight the same?”
Topanga smiles wider. “Our men are badasses, Pixie. Don’t worry.”
Lana’s slightly worried expression feels more real. I look at Carina and see a lot of Bronco in her little face.
“Will you have more babies?” I ask Lana since I feel guilty for making her lose her smile.
“No, we think four is enough.”
“No boys for Lana,” Topanga announces. “And no girls for me. Still, Dunning is as beautiful as any girl. Baby,” she calls out to where he sits in the backyard alone, “stand up and spin so we can admire your beauty.”
Without looking back, he lifts his right hand and gives her “the bird.”
Topanga smiles at me. “I taught him that. His father was all, ‘We don’t want him to be rude.’ But I was like, ‘His father is a biker, so how polite should he really be?’ Anyway, I won that argument by distracting Lowell with a blowjob. Feel free to use that winning move.”
“Is the blowjob or the middle finger your winning move?” Mama asks.
“Both,” Topanga announces and stands up.
Lana leans closer while Topanga pours herself another glass of wine. “She’s nervous about Lowell, but I’m sure they’ll be fine. They’ve run Elko for decades. The guys know what they’re doing.”
Nodding, I admire Carina, whose eyes widen when I get closer to her face.
Lana grins. “If you kiss her nose, she’ll act horrified. It’s funny.”
“But what if I’m scaring her? She doesn’t know my face. Up close, I could be terrifying to her little brain.”
Lana’s smile grows at my worries.
Then Topanga returns and asks loudly, “Will you be giving Anders any giant babies?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Like, what month?”
“No, I mean, are you using protection or rolling the dice?”
“I don’t know about the dice, and I’m not sure what protection you mean.”
Topanga suddenly laughs. “I forget how you don’t know things.”
“You don’t know them either,” Mama growls.
“Oh, but I know that I don’t know,” Topanga says, pretending to be serious. “I learn that lesson every damn day.”
When Mama still frowns, not getting the joke, I smile at Lana. “I really don’t know what the dice are.”
“You can use medicine to avoid getting pregnant. Or condoms.”
“Oh, we haven’t done the condoms. I don’t know what he wants. It’s only been a few days.”
“Well, you’re young,” Topanga says and drinks her wine very quickly. “Not the icky kind of young but young.”
Mama isn’t sure what to make of the woman while I just admire Carina. I wouldn’t mind a baby. But I don’t know what Anders wants, and he’s the one with the broken heart.
“Is it acceptable to be worried about the men?” I ask Lana after we go upstairs to tuck Carina into her baby cage.
“Yes, but I’m sure they’ll be okay.”
“I’m afraid I didn’t tell Anders that I loved him enough. What if he dies without really knowing?”
Until I see Carina dozing in her pretty wooden cage, I hadn’t realized how scared I am of losing Anders. He’ll never have a little baby of his own. He’s missed out on too much already in life. Now, he’ll never have his own Carina. I should have said I loved him more.
After I hurry out of the room to avoid my tears bothering the baby, Lana follows me to the walkway.
“Anders has seemed so different since he brought you to his home,” she says and hugs me. “As if he’s awake now. He wouldn’t be that way if he didn’t know you loved him.”
Despite her kind words, I still worry I wasn’t good enough to Anders in our short time together. When Papa died, I never feared he didn’t know I loved him. Ever since I was old enough to remember, I enjoyed his company. We laughed and played and cuddled. Papa knew I cherished him.
But Anders has so many cruel voices in his head, telling him ugly lies. I’m just one person, telling him loving words for such a short amount of time. If he dies, will his last thought be the ugly lies or my beautiful truth?