how I remember the ways of the Dandelions. The Collective with Papa feels so long ago. But I will never forget.
“Not for one night,” Mama promises. “Tomorrow, you can tell me what they said. If you fear his reaction, I can tell him. I think Anders protects his heart better when dealing with me. He drops his shield with you, meaning your words have the power to harm him like mine can’t. We’ll talk more in the morning when you’ve created distance from those women’s hurtful words.”
Hugging Mama, I whisper my thanks to her for giving this life a chance. I leave her to meditate, so she can sleep without stress.
Upstairs, Anders paces back and forth across the wide family room. He looks like a dog I once saw in a cage. Growling, the black beast stared outraged from behind the bars. Does Anders feel trapped tonight?
“I love you,” I say, standing near his anger path. “Why are you upset? Are the beer and marijuana no longer working?”
“I feel as if I should have done something different tonight,” he says, as his fists flex. “I don’t think Bronco would have done what I did. I think he would have handled it better.”
“What part of tonight?”
“When those shitty cunts were ganging up on you.”
Tugging at my loose shorts, I frown. “But you’re the reason they stopped.”
“It should never have happened.”
“You can’t see the night clearly. Your anger blinds you.”
“Then, why don’t you enlighten me?” he demands, raising his voice.
“Do you really not understand, or do you want to argue? I won’t do the last one.”
“Everything has to be your way.”
I refuse to answer. I never respond when someone is irrational. That’s why I rarely spoke to John Marks or his vain sister.
“What would Bronco have done differently?” I ask when Anders returns to pacing.
“I don’t know.”
“Would he have punched those women?” I ask, sitting down on the ground and crisscrossing my legs. “Bronco doesn’t like DeAnna. Has he ever punched her before?”
“No, he wouldn’t have hit them.”
“Would he have yelled at them?”
“Maybe.”
“What would he say?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think they care when he yells? They didn’t seem to care when I said they were cruel. They only cared when I hurt them. That was a consequence. Yelling at them is only noise.”
“Look at what they did to your fucking face,” he growls, seeming ready to hit me.
“It doesn’t even hurt much,” I reply while stroking my jaw. “Your punch would have done more than leave bruises on their faces. Your hands are so big and strong.”
Anders stops pacing and glares full of hate. He wants me to fear him, but I know he won’t hit me. He’s just having trouble with his body wanting drugs. Though I don’t know what that feels like, I do remember wanting food and having none. When Future would whine, I wanted so badly to tell him to shut up. He was annoying me. I needed everyone to be quiet and leave me alone.
Instead of yelling, I walked in the woods and sat in the grass near the road. I would think of Anders and imagine his life in the town of Elko.
Those things can’t help Anders tonight, but I refuse to be scared to make him feel better. Lies are for special occasions. Like when John Marks wanted to have sexual intercourse with me. Or people in the Village asked where I went when I took walks. Those lies were okay because the people I lied to didn’t matter. Lying to Anders feels wrong.
“I liked it when you fed me food,” I say while he glares at me. “I felt like a baby. You would eat a bite, and then I would. Like you were showing me it was safe. That was my favorite part of the party.”
Anders doesn’t know how to respond. He deflates like a giant disappointed bear.
“Why don’t you use marijuana to relax?” I ask from the floor.
“I don’t want to spend the entire day stoned.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not a good way to live.”
“But you gave me the alcoholic drink the first night. And I got sleepy, and I didn’t worry. You were trying to help me through my bad feelings.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So, you’re having bad feelings. Why not take the stuff when you’re feeling bad? Then don’t take it when you’re feeling fine.”
“I already told you.”
“That was heroin. You said it was different than marijuana and alcohol.”