baby with a stripper he met one night. That’s Lana from today. She just dropped the news on him that he had a kid. If that shit happened to me, I’d get ten DNA tests to make sure it was mine. Then I’d get drunk off my ass, feeling sad for the kid to have me as its dad. I’d give the mom money and tell her to buy a better father.”
In the distance, a dog barks, and I tighten my hold on Pixie. “Anyway, that’s the kind of reaction I’d have, but Bronco was holding his baby right away and took pictures to show his family. He loved Carina as soon as he learned about her. That’s some crazy shit, but it’s why I’d want a dad like him. So, yeah, maybe I admire him in that way. I doubt I realized any of that back when I was cutting off heads. I was too high to know much.”
“Can you get a little high so you can be happier?”
“There’s no little high with heroin.”
“But you smoke marijuana.”
“Yeah, but it’s not addictive like heroin. Booze doesn’t control me in the same way, either. I can drink every day for a week and then just stop, and I won’t crave booze. Heroin is all or nothing. Besides, I was a monster on the drug, and I’m trying to be something else now. Maybe not a good man. Probably too late for that. I can see myself being better, though. I’m loyal to Bronco and the club like I never was with Lonnie and the Killing Joes.”
“And you helped me.”
“Yeah, but I get something out of that.”
“The fucking,” she whispers, sounding brokenhearted.
Nuzzling her head again, I sigh. “I could have fucked you out on the road. Made you do what I wanted. Bribed you, whatever. If it was just fucking, I’d have fucked you. I want something else.”
“What?” she asks in a shaky voice.
“I want you to love me. I’ve been wanting that since you talked about how much you loved your family. I imagined you looking that happy about loving me, and I knew I was going to keep visiting you until you learned to love me.”
Pixie squirms around in my arms until she breaks free. Resting on her knees, she studies me.
“I already love you.”
“Not like you love your family.”
“I’ve known them for a long time.”
“Not Future.”
Pixie narrows her eyes as if unimpressed by my stubbornness. Then she sighs and places her hand on my chest.
“You’re cruel.”
“I know.”
“You shouldn’t be that way.”
“I’ll try.”
Pixie bites her bottom lip. “I’ll try not to threaten to punch you anymore.”
“I don’t care if you hit me.”
“No, maybe not, but I care. Too many people hit you. It’s bad for your head and your heart to get hurt all the time.”
Studying her big brown eyes and the half-smile she offers me, I can’t imagine anyone more beautiful.
“I’m sorry I made you cry.”
“I forgive you.”
“Really?”
Pixie nods. “But I won’t forgive you in the future. Well, maybe I will in the near future. But not in the faraway future when you should know better.”
“I know better now.”
“I think you know in here,” she says, touching my forehead before moving her hand back to my chest. “But not here.”
“Probably.”
Pixie smiles a little more. “What’s a stripper?”
“A naked dancer.”
“Did you see Lana naked?”
“Yes.”
“Is she naked better than me?”
“No one is better than you.”
“You’re lying,” she says, poking my gut.
“Not really. I’d rather see you naked than see Lana naked. That’s not a lie.”
“I don’t want to see Bronco naked at all.”
“Don’t tell him that. It might hurt his feelings.”
Pixie grins at my teasing. “I’m sorry your father was the devil, and your mom hurt you, and your grandparents were terrible. Your story is very sad, but it brought you to me. I’ll try to make your story better now.”
“When I think of you at the Village, I feel as if your story was sad, too.”
“It wasn’t sad with the Dandelions and Papa. I enjoyed more good things in my life than bad things. Now, I have you.”
“I like knowing you’ll sleep in my bed again.”
“I like knowing I’ll wake up next to you. This morning, I was so nervous about Mama, Dove, and Future. I didn’t get to enjoy your pouting lips.”
“Do you want to go in the hot tub?” I ask, thinking of how she said the orgasms hurt her. I know that means I caused her pain. The hot water might help.