He’s very big on sharing. Dove hugs me and says I’m her hero. Fairuza reminds me not to let anyone diminish my worth. Next, Pixie will stand up on something, so we’re eye to eye. She reminds me that I’m special. I have a heart full of sunshine. She loves me more than anyone ever has but still not as much as I deserve. Then, she hugs me in a way that feels as if she’s filling me with the strength to face any obstacle. Finally, the four of them give me finger-kisses before standing on the porch and waving goodbye.
Then, at the end of the day, I enjoy a naked Pixie. She has a weird intensity before bed—as if worried we won’t wake, and these are her last moments to enjoy my company.
Pixie will rest my hand against her chest and watch me. I used to feel weird when she did that. Like she was putting me on the spot. Or worse, if she looked for long enough, she’d find too many flaws to want me.
But now, I realize how Pixie doesn’t flinch from those she loves. When Fairuza and Pixie butt heads, they don’t go into separate corners and cool down. They face off, forcing a compromise.
And when Pixie looks in my eyes, she wants to see all of me. This woman will never be satisfied with a glance. She views ignoring a person’s flaws as an insult. She wants me—even the shitty parts.
I suspect that’s why Fairuza could walk away from Perry so easily. She never lied to herself about who and what he was. His flaws were front-and-center, along with his good qualities. That comes from her upbringing at the Dandelion Collective. I still think the place sounds too New Age to suit me, but I can’t argue with how strong their hearts turned out.
A couple nights a week, we visit Bronco’s house. Dove and Future play with his kids. Pixie hangs around Lana and Topanga. Fairuza often walks next door to Barbie’s house. I stand in the backyard and shoot the shit with Bronco and Lowell.
“I still got a bad feeling about the Killing Joes,” Bronco admits one evening in October as he works his grill.
Nearby, Carina sits in a carrier, trying to grab a toy dangling over her head. The setup seems fucked up since she can’t actually reach the object. Then, I realize it’s a form of exercise. Huh, my kid will definitely need one of those things, too.
“Bad feeling, how?” Lowell asks while I watch Carina.
“After years without hearing shit from them, they show up in Elko. Then, they’re gone like ghosts. Feels too easy.”
“Marks called them in and then wouldn’t pay,” Lowell says, giving a shrug. “Look at it from their point of view. Their club is gone. They see a chance to make cash and fuck with an old enemy. Then, they realize Marks won’t pay, and they’ll end up as human shields for a failing proposition.”
When Bronco seems unconvinced, Lowell continues, “If Conor hadn’t seen the Volkshalberd selling marijuana on the side of the road and you didn’t lower the hammer, Marks could have made enough cash to hire real muscle like the Killing Joes. Instead, he ended up with a dozen idiot teenagers and young men.”
Bronco walks over to Carina and adjusts her pink-and-white bear knit hat. “Gunther claimed the bikers that showed up to meet Marks had a woman with them. Said there were three men and a dark-haired woman.”
“Could be Lonnie’s old lady,” I suggest, thinking of how Melanie offered me the first taste of heroin. “She helped run shit, and her head was still attached when I left Cleveland. Of course, the easiest explanation is the woman was just one of their girlfriends.”
“Gunther said one of them was named Roadrunner,” Lowell says. “He remembered that because it was the name of a cartoon character. He forgot the other men’s names. One had a red beard.”
“What about the other Cole?” Bronco asks, wanting every thread tied up.
“Dead probably. They’re addicts. Either, they get clean, or shit catches up to them.”
“But those three might come back.”
“That was always a possibility,” Lowell says, sensing as I do that Bronco is like a dog with a bone on this topic. “This time, they came, saw, and fled. Seems like them returning should be less likely now.”
Nodding, Bronco walks over to Carina and picks her up. I notice when he gets bothered by club shit that he seeks out Lana