dizzy head. The rest of the day went by in a blur. I was disappointed that I couldn’t appreciate the scenery. We drove to Xigatse, where Mr. Kadam and Kishan saw the Tashilumpo Monastery while I stayed in the small hotel.
When they returned with dinner for me, I rolled over and waved them away. Mr. Kadam left, but Kishan stayed.
“I don’t like seeing you sick, Kells. What can I do?”
“Uh, I don’t think there’s anything you can do.”
He left me alone for a minute. Soon he was back pressing a damp cloth to my forehead.
“Here, I brought you some lemon water. Mr. Kadam said it helps to hydrate.”
Kishan forced me to drink the entire glass and then poured another glassful from the bottled water they’d bought. He finally let me stop after my third glass.
“How are you feeling now?”
“Better, thanks. Except my head is pounding. Do we have any aspirin?”
Kishan found a small bottle. I downed two, sat forward, placing my elbows on my knees, and massaging my temples with my fingers.
He watched me quietly for a moment, and then said, “Here, let me help.”
Kishan scooted me forward a little so he could sit behind me. He placed his warm hands on the sides of my head and started massaging my temples. After a few minutes, he moved into my hair and down the back of my neck, kneading away the stiffness that came from sitting immobile in a car for three days.
When he got to my shoulders, I asked, “Where did you and Ren learn to give massages? You’re both very good at it.”
He stopped for a moment and then slowly began again as he spoke. “I didn’t know Ren had given you a massage. Mother taught us. It was something she’d been trained in.”
“Oh. Well, it feels fantastic. Your hands are so warm they feel like heating pads. My headache’s almost gone now.”
“Good. Lie down and relax. I’m going to do your arms and feet.”
“You really don’t have to. I’m feeling better now.”
“Just relax. Close your eyes and let your mind drift. Mother taught us that massage can take away the pains of the body and the spirit.” He started working on my left arm and spent a long time on my hand.
“Kishan? What was it like being a tiger for all those years?”
He didn’t respond for a long moment. I cracked open an eye and looked at him. He was focusing on the space between my thumb and forefinger. His golden eyes flicked over to my face.
“Quit peeking, Kells. I’m thinking.”
I obediently closed my eyes again and waited patiently for his answer. “It’s like the tiger and the man are always battling each other. After my parents died, Ren had been kidnapped, and Mr. Kadam left to search for him. There was no reason to be a man at all. I let the tiger take over. It was almost like I was watching the tiger from a distance. I felt completely detached from my surroundings. The beast ruled, and I didn’t care.”
He moved to my feet, which tickled at first, but then I let out a deep sigh as he worked on my toes.
“It must have been terribly lonely.”
“I was running, hunting . . . and doing everything by instinct. I’m surprised I didn’t lose my humanity altogether.”
“Ren told me once that being away from me, being on his own, made him feel more like a beast than a man.”
“That’s true. The tiger’s strong, and it’s extremely difficult to maintain a balance, especially when I’m a tiger for most of the day.”
“Does it feel different now?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I’m reclaiming my humanity piece by piece. Being a tiger is easy; being a man is difficult. I have to interact with people, learn about the world, and find a way to deal with my past.”
“In a way, Ren was more fortunate than you even though you were free.”
He tilted his head and moved to my other foot, “Why do you think that?”
“Because he was always with people. He never felt alone like you did. I mean, he was trapped, he was hurt, he had to perform in the circus, but he was still a part of human life. He still had the opportunity to learn, though in a limited way.”
He laughed wryly. “You forget, Kelsey, that I could have ended my solitude at any time and chose not to. He was a captive, but I was sitting in a trap of my own design.”