He didn’t remember about the socks, or how I smelled, or about choosing peaches and cream ice cream instead of peanut butter chocolate. It’s just stupid ice cream! Who cares?
No one remembered those things. No one knew now. Except me. I went for a ride in the fancy new convertible with Mr. Kadam and tried to be happy as he went over its features. I went through the motions, but I was numb inside. I despaired. I felt like I was interacting with a stunt-double Ren. He looked like my Ren and could even talk like him, but there was a spark missing. Something was off.
I’d planned to work out with Kishan when we got home, so I changed and headed through the laundry room and down the stairs to the dojo, stopping when I heard voices arguing. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard my name mentioned and couldn’t leave.
“You’re hurting her,” Kishan said.
“You think I don’t know that? I don’t want to hurt her, but I won’t be coerced into feeling something that I don’t.”
“Can’t you at least try?”
“I have been.”
“I’ve seen you give more attention to ice cream than you do to her.”
Ren let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, there’s something . . . off-putting about her.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t really describe it. It’s just that when I’m near her . . . I can’t wait to get away. It’s a relief when she’s not around.”
“How can you say that? You loved her! You were more passionate about her than you’ve ever been about anything in your entire life!”
Ren spoke softly. “I can’t imagine feeling that for her. She’s nice and cute, but she’s a bit young. Too bad it wasn’t Nilima I was in love with.”
Kishan responded with outrage, “Nilima! She’s like a sister to us! You’ve never expressed any feelings for her before!”
“She’s easier to be around,” Ren replied quietly. “She doesn’t look at me with big brown eyes full of hurt.”
Both brothers were silent for a minute. I’d bitten my lip deeply and tasted blood, but the pain didn’t affect me.
Kishan spoke intently, “Kelsey is all that a man could ask for. She’s perfect for you. She loves poetry and sits endlessly content while listening to you sing and play your guitar. She waited months for you to come after her, and she has risked her life repeatedly to save your mangy white hide. She’s sweet and loving and warm and beautiful and would make you immeasurably happy.”
There was a pause. Then I heard Ren say incredulously, “You love her.”
Kishan didn’t answer right away, but then said softly, almost so I couldn’t hear it, “No man in his right mind wouldn’t, which proves you aren’t in your right mind.”
Ren said thoughtfully, “Maybe I was grateful to her and allowed her to believe I loved her once, but I don’t feel that way about her now.”
“Believe me. Gratitude was not the emotion you felt for her. You pined for her for months. You paced in your room until you wore a hole in the carpet. You wrote thousands of love poems describing her beauty and of how miserable you were when she was gone. If you don’t believe me, go up to your room and read them for yourself.”
“I have read them.”
“Then what’s your problem? I have never seen you happier in your miserable excuse for an existence than when you were with her. You loved her, and it was real.”
“I don’t know! Maybe it was being tortured over and over again that did this. Maybe Lokesh planted something in my brain that ruined her forever in my mind. When I hear her name or her voice, I cringe. I expect pain. I don’t want that. It’s not fair to either of us. She doesn’t deserve to be lied to. Even if I could learn to love her, the torture is still there in the back of my mind. Every time I look at her, I see Lokesh questioning, always questioning. Hurting me because of a girl I didn’t know. I can’t do it, Kishan.”
“Then . . . you don’t deserve her.”
There was a long pause.
“No, I guess I don’t.”
I bit my hand to hold back a sob and gasped. They heard me.
“Kells?” Kishan said.
I ran up the steps.
“Kells! Wait!”
I heard Kishan following me and ran up the stairs as fast as I could. I knew if I didn’t hurry, one of them would catch me. Slamming the laundry room door behind me,