nervosa. 'What can we say to convince you, Mr Halleck?'
'Nothing,' Billy replied. The image of the old Gypsy came unbidden into his mind - he felt again the soft, caressing touch of the man's hand on his cheek, the scrape of the hard calluses. Yes, he thought, I'm going to take up smoking again. Something really devilish like Camels or Pall Malls or Chesterfoggies. Why not? When the goddamn doctors start looking like Larry, Curly, and Moe, it's time to do something.
They asked him to wait a moment and went out together. Billy was content enough to wait - he felt that he had finally reached the caesura in this mad play, the eye of the storm, and he was content with that ... that, and the thought of all the cigarettes he would soon smoke, perhaps even two at a time.
They came back, grim-faced but looking somehow exalted -men who had decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. They would let him stay free of charge, they said: he need pay only for the lab work.
'No,' Billy said patiently. 'You don't understand. The major medical coverage pays for all of ^that anyway; I checked. The point is, I'm leaving. Simply leaving. Bugging out.'
They stared at him, uncomprehending, beginning to be angry. Billy thought of telling them how much like the Three Stooges they looked, and decided that would be an extremely bad idea. It would complicate things. Such fellows as these were not used to being challenged, to having their gris-gris rejected. He did not think it past possibility that they might call Heidi and suggest that a competency hearing was in order. And Heidi might listen to them.
'We'll pay for the tests too,' one of them said finally, in a this-is-our-final-offer tone.
'I'm leaving,' Billy said. He spoke very quietly, but he saw that they finally believed him. Perhaps it was the very quietness of his tone that had finally convinced them that it was not a matter of money, that he was authentically mad.
'But why? Why, Mr Halleck?'
'Because,' Billy said, 'although you think you can help me ... ah ... gentlemen, you can't.'
And looking at their unbelieving, uncomprehending faces, Billy thought he had never felt so lonely in his life.
On his way home he stopped at a smoke shop and bought a package of Chesterfield Kings. The first three puffs made him feel so dizzy and sick that he threw them away.
'So much for that experiment,' he said aloud in the car, laughing and crying at the same time. 'Back to the old drawing board, kids.'
Chapter 14. Linda was gone.
Heidi, the normally tiny lines beside her eyes and the corners of her mouth now deep with strain (she was smoking like a steam engine, Billy saw - one Vantage 100 after another), told Halleck she had sent Linda to her Aunt Rhoda's in Westchester County.
'I did it for a couple of reasons,' Heidi said. 'The first is that ... that she needs a rest from you, Billy. From what's happening to you. She's half out of her mind. It's gotten so I can't convince her you don't have cancer.'
'She ought to talk to Cary Rossington,' Billy muttered as he went into the kitchen to turn on the coffee. He needed a cup badly - strong and black, no sugar. 'They sound like soulmates.'
'What? I can't hear you.'
'Never mind. Just let me turn on the coffee.'
'She's not sleeping,' Heidi said when he came back. She was twisting her hands together restlessly. 'Do you understand?'
'Yes,' Billy said, and he did ... but it felt as if there was a thorn lodged somewhere inside of him. He wondered if Heidi understood that he needed Linda too, if she really understood that his daughter was also part of his support system. But part of his support system or not, he had no right to erode Linda's confidence, her psychological equilibrium. Heidi was right about that. She was right about that no matter how much it cost.
He felt that bright hate surface in his heart again. Mommy had driven his daughter off to auntie's house as soon as Billy had called and said he was on his way. And how come? Why, because the bogey-daddy was coming home! Don't run screaming, dear, it's only the Thin Man ...
Why that day? Why did you have to pick that day?
'Billy? Are you all right?' Heidi's voice was oddly hesitant.
Jesus! You stupid bitch! Here you are married to the Incredible Shrinking Man, and all you can think