He made another unsuccessful attempt with the oatmeal.
“I would like to think that my deployments balanced the scale. You know, good and evil. Criminal on one hand. Protector of freedom on the other. But guilt over what I did that night eats at me, Uncle Henry. Bad.
“But even if I wanted to tell somebody to clear my conscience, or to save my soul, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Not because of the repercussions to myself. But because of the blowback on you. See,” he said, and paused to take a deep breath, “I never want anyone to think badly of you because of me. Anything bad I ever did was not your fault. No matter what happens, never think that. Promise me. You didn’t fail me. I failed you.”
He ran his hand over the top of his uncle’s head. Through the thinning hair, he noticed age spots that had recently appeared. Henry’s eyebrows, which had always been dark and expressive, were mostly gray now, and they never conveyed an emotion. The creases in his face became more deeply etched between Ledge’s visits. His body was following the path of his mind, deteriorating incrementally but inexorably.
For all his fighting skills, Ledge was powerless to repel this ravaging enemy.
As he stroked his uncle’s head, he felt an unmanly welling of emotion. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken to carrying your pocketknife.”
Henry had never been without it. He had kept it sheathed in a leather scabbard attached to his belt and utilized it several times a day to open cases of liquor. It had broken Ledge’s heart to have to take it away from him. It had broken his heart even more to realize that Henry hadn’t missed it, when it always had been like an extension of his hand.
The pocketknife was a connection to Henry that Ledge could maintain when none other existed. If there was a single benefit to his uncle’s condition, it was that he would never know about Ledge’s crime. The last memory Henry would have of him wouldn’t be that he was a thief and deceiver, but a decorated soldier.
“Don didn’t think you’d mind if I started carrying your knife,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “He said you’d like knowing that it was in my safekeeping.”
Just then the door was pushed open, and a young black man breezed in. “Hey, Cap’n, they told me you were here.”
Ledge had to clear his throat before he could speak. Grumbling, he said, “I’ve told you not to address me that way.”
George was one of the physical therapists on staff. “Naw, now, we’ve talked about this. Once an officer, always an officer. To me you’ll always be Cap’n Burnet.”
George executed a crisp salute. Ledge gave him the finger. George laughed, then they fist-bumped. This was their script and routine every time they saw each other. Over the time that Henry had been a resident, the therapist and Ledge had become well acquainted and liked each other. They had their military service in the Middle East in common, and, taking into account George’s occupation, Ledge admired the man’s seemingly inexhaustible cheerfulness.
He squatted down in front of Henry’s lounger. “How’s my main man this morning?”
“He ate a good breakfast. All except the oatmeal.” Ledge made another swipe at the damp spot on Henry’s jacket.
George looked at the contents of the bowl and winced. “I’d have spit it out, too, Henry.” He patted his patient on the knee and stood up.
Ledge asked, “How’s he doing?”
“Good.”
“No bullshit, George.”
“I wouldn’t insult you with bullshit. Your uncle’s still strong. He does his exercises when I coach him through them. Oh, every once in a while he balks, but nothing I can’t handle with a little persuasion.”
“Any belligerence? Violent outbursts?” Ledge had dreaded asking about this, afraid of hearing the worst. “I’ve been warned that can happen.”
“Can,” George said, nodding. “But not necessarily. No signs of it yet, so don’t invite trouble.” George hesitated, then said in a softer tone, “You don’t have to come see him quite so often, you know.”
“I want to. I miss him.”
“All I’m saying is, if you were to cut back on the visits, no one would hold it against you. Especially not him. He won’t know.”
“But I would.”
George gave a rueful smile. “Fuckin’ hero, through and through.”
“Knock it off.”
“Okay. Carry on with your visit.” Over Ledge’s shoulder, he addressed Henry. “See you in PT. No slacking today.”