I looked bizarre, yet also sexy, in a totally in-your-face kind of way. And I felt absolutely terrified, far more nervous than the first time I’d brought Jude back to the flat. What would he do? Would this overt display of my assets drive him wild with desire and transform him into a lover of Seth-like enthusiasm and skill, as I hoped? Or would he be horrified, assuming that his girlfriend had somehow transformed into Mistress Whiplash in the course of a fifteen-minute shower? Or maybe my new kit would have the opposite of the desired effect, turning him on so much that our usual perfunctory sex didn’t even get that far?
I had no idea, but there was only one way to find out.
I opened the bathroom door and stepped out as tentatively as a Victorian virgin on her wedding night, although rather less modestly dressed.
Jude looked up from the sofa and for a second he gawped at me, his jaw literally falling open.
And then he burst out laughing.
Twenty-Three
Today presents you with questions, Aquarius: why are you so afraid to be alone? What are you willing to sacrifice for love? And why is your closet full of odd socks?
In the gym the next afternoon, I pushed myself relentlessly, lifting heavier weights than I ever had before, carrying on until my muscles were burning and trembling and Mike came over and stood by me, his face impassive, his hands ready to support my arms if they gave up altogether.
‘You were giving it some today,’ he commented when I got up off the bench, leaving behind the sweaty imprint of my arms and shoulders.
I nodded, for a few moments enjoying the sensation of there being nothing else in the world except my screaming muscles and my pounding heart. There was no space to think, and that was what I wanted.
‘Missing your training buddy?’ he asked.
‘Yeah. Was Dani in earlier?’
‘Nah. I haven’t seen her all week. I sent her a message but she didn’t read it.’
‘We went for drinks a few days ago. She’s okay, but she didn’t say anything about having a break from training. And she didn’t read the last message I sent her either.’
‘Sometimes people need a break,’ he said. ‘And sometimes they just quit. You get used to people being around, you think they’re part of the furniture, and then they just don’t turn up one day and that’s it.’
‘I’m sure that won’t happen with Dani, though. She loves it here.’
‘She’s made great progress. You too.’
His words gave me a glow of pride, but that wasn’t enough to dispel the shadow of worry I felt over Dani. She wouldn’t just quit. Not out of the blue like that. Something was wrong. I made my way back to work with various scenarios jostling around in my head like unwelcome house guests, resolving to go round to Dani’s as soon as I could and check she was okay.
The pub was busy that night, and Robbie had the evening off, so I had work to keep me occupied at least. I turned out plate after plate of food, the rhythm of a busy service as compelling and all-encompassing as that of a workout in the gym. Alone in the kitchen, at least I didn’t have to smile or pretend that everything was okay. I plugged in my headphones, I worked flat out until ten, and then I cleaned everything down, said a brief goodnight to Kelly and Freddie, and dragged myself wearily up the stairs to the flat.
I found myself half-hoping that Jude wouldn’t be there, although I knew he would be.
I still burned with shame, remembering the previous night – how he’d totally corpsed at the sight of me, laughing so hard he’d barely been able to speak, and then, when at last he could, he’d asked me what the hell I was doing in that hooker’s get-up.
‘I thought you were a feminist, Zoë,’ he’d said, gasping for breath. ‘Never realised you moonlighted as a Playboy centrefold.’
‘I… I just wanted to do something different. Something nice. For us.’
‘Different is right. Good grief. I haven’t seen anything like that since I was knocking one out over Babestation when I was sixteen.’
‘Don’t you like it?’ I folded my arms over my chest, not feeling even a bit sexy any more, only embarrassed and exposed.
‘Come here.’ He crossed the room and folded me in his arms. ‘You don’t need shit like that to be beautiful. No one does. You’re lovely as