Again, she gestured in the negative, holding up a hand for his silence as she fought some internal battle he could only watch.
Finally, after a minute or two, she dropped her forehead into her hands and let out an eternal breath. “It’s over… It wasn’t as dreadful as it can be.” The words muffled against her gloves.
He sank beside her, his heart, already galloping with his own turmoil, now racing with concern for her. “What is over? What is wrong?”
The eyes that met his were so haunted he could barely stand it. “Do you ever feel like you’re empty, Gareth? Like you’ve run out of words and wit and energy? Like your smile is so heavy and yet so brittle, the muscles can no longer keep it aloft? And all this because people took that smile from you… demanded it from you, even when it seems you have less to give than most?”
The bleak note in her voice stole his ability to speak.
The side of her mouth quirked at him. “Of course not. You don’t smile in the first place. And no one dares to command you.”
She could.
He tried on a smile for her. It had been so long, but he made the valiant effort. Wrinkled his eyes and relaxed his lips into a soft curl.
“Look at that, it does exist.” Her gloved fingers lifted, as if she thought to touch his mouth, to test his attempt with her fingers.
Ultimately, she thought better of it.
“You are pale,” he pressed. “Are you certain you’re not ill?”
“No, I just… I have spells sometimes.” She frowned down at her fingers in her lap, curling them tightly. “When I’m overwhelmed or upset.”
At that, he became instantly alert. He never should have come out here. Shouldn’t have left her side for a moment, thinking her safe in a sea of her peers, dancing in a crowded room.
“Who upset you?” he demanded.
She lifted a creamy shoulder. “No one. Everyone. I-I just… I don’t have anything to say to these people. And, if I’m honest, I don’t want to hear what they have to talk about either. I don’t care about gossip or politics, fashion or scandal. And they don’t care about botany or books. They all hate each other and yearn to impress each other in this perverse and endless circle of deceit, envy, and need.”
Looking up, she closed her eyes and let the breeze toy with the wisping ringlets at her temples and neck. “I’m being overly harsh, I know. I have to learn to belong here. Or everything I have is gone… And yet, even if I do select this life, everything I have goes to whomever I chose to marry.” She opened her eyes and stared up into the vast canopy above them as if she could find answers there. “I am inconsequential either way… Sometimes I really do wish I were born a man. Though I would have made a terrible one.”
Gabriel ached to pull her close. Her circumstance did induce a well of sympathy he’d not previously had. How could someone be so privileged and helpless all at once? Was there a way out of this?
“You could untether from your fortune,” he suggested. “Turn to any one of your family members and be done with all of this.” He waved his arm toward the ballroom, where the orchestra was tuning for another waltz.
She chewed on her lip. “I know this is going to sound strange, but now that my father’s company is in my hands, I feel so utterly responsible for it. When I select someone to marry, I am selecting a future not only for me, but for the business. For the country.
“My father’s industry employs so many people. The vessels bring food, mechanical imports, implements of everything from medicine to textiles. It’s such a worthy endeavor, shipping. Such an important part of the economy and society. I’m loath to abandon that to just anyone. And…”
She pushed away from the bench, pacing the length of the pergola with her arms crossed tightly over her chest. “When it comes to my family… I’d thought to grow old with Mercy, but now…” She turned to grasp the railing and stare up at the half moon. “Do you want to know my greatest fear? Being the spinster sister in the corner watching everyone in love. I want to belong somewhere. To someone.”
“Someone like Melton?” Gabriel ventured, remembering how she’d looked in the man’s arms.
She astonished him by laughing. “Least of all Melton.