“And it’s always been what you needed,” he said softly. “You lied to me, planned this whole thing so you could keep me under your thumb.”
Swallowing visibly, she lifted her hands from him. “That’s not true. I loved you. I loved you so much. Too much.”
“You say you loved me, but you didn’t care that I didn’t want to be a father at eighteen, that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a father ever. You took that choice from me. I had plans, dreams that were important to me, and you wanted me to give them up, to give everything up for you.”
That’s what love did. It was manipulative. Suffocating. It was a trap. Worse, it made you vulnerable. So that when that love was rejected, all that was left was pain.
“I didn’t want you to give anything up,” she said, her voice steady, but her hand trembled as she brushed a loose strand of hair from her face. “I only wanted to be a part of those plans. I wanted to be the one you dreamed of. But all you talked about was leaving. I thought if we had a baby, our own family, it’d be enough to make you want to stay.”
“Stay? What did you think, that we’d get married and live happily ever after?” The look on her face, defiance mixed with remorse, told him that’s exactly what she’d thought. “Christ, that’s nothing but a fantasy. But then, it must’ve been so easy for you to believe. After all, you’d spent your entire life in your fancy house, confident that when you were hungry, there’d be food in the cupboard. That when it got cold out, you’d have a new coat to keep you warm. You never went without.”
She looked stricken. “No, I never went without. Should I apologize for it? For having parents who loved me and took care of me, a family who was there for me day in and day out? For wanting the same thing for my own child?”
He shoved his hands into his pockets, felt small, mean and hopeless, like when he’d been a kid, trying to protect Fay from their parents’ fights, from Annie’s depression, Sam’s neglect. “All I ever wanted for Bree was security. Stability. But I couldn’t give that to her if I stayed.” He’d been driven to succeed. Had told himself the only way he’d reach that success was to get far away from Shady Grove. As far from his past as he could. “I envied what you had—your life, your family.”
He held her gaze, remembered how broken she’d looked when he’d told her he was still going to Seattle, that he was leaving her. How sure he’d been he was doing the right thing for all of them.
He only wished he was that certain now. “But I never,” he continued, “not once, believed I could have it for myself.”
* * *
MADDIE DID HER best not to let Neil’s admission soften her toward him. She had to hold on to her anger, her resentment. Damn it, she had a right to both of them. They’d helped keep her going, helped keep her strong all these years.
If she let them go, she wasn’t sure what would be left.
“How can you even say that?” she asked. “You were adopted by the Pettits. You were a part of my life, my family’s life, for years. You knew damn well that type of bond was possible. You were a part of it. You just hadn’t wanted it.”
“No,” he said, all calm and cool composure while she felt edgy and undone. “That wasn’t what I wanted.”
What did you think, that we’d get married and live happily ever after?
Her stomach turned. Yes, that was exactly what she’d thought, what she’d hoped would happen. She’d had it all mapped out. They’d get married and settle down right here in Shady Grove. Oh, sure, maybe he’d continue playing hockey but it would be just for fun. Eventually he’d find a real job, maybe with her father’s company. A steady, stable job that allowed him to come home each night by five, so he could spend weekends working on building them a house of their own.
He was right. That was nothing but a fantasy. Her fantasy.
One she’d done everything in her power to trap him into.
And he’d known, she thought, humiliation prickling her skin. How many other people had suspected, guessed, what she’d done? How desperate she’d been to hold on