Talk Hockey to Me (Bears Hockey #3) - Kelly Jamieson Page 0,76
I took off from Calgary and came here. I wanted to be alone. I especially didn’t want to be around anyone who reminded me of the accident.”
I meet Easton’s eyes, then Josh’s. They both radiate warmth and sympathy, not anger or blame.
“I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t shut off my mind. And when I did fall asleep, I had nightmares. I drank a lot of booze and smoked a lot of weed so I could sleep, but that didn’t help.” I look down at my linked fingers which have tightened. I consciously relax them. “I kept telling myself to get over it. I felt like it was stupid that this was happening, and I just needed to get control of my emotions. But I couldn’t.”
“I relate to that,” Easton says.
“I was jumpy. On edge all the time. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care about getting up in the morning. I didn’t care about hockey. I was supposed to enter the draft that spring, and I didn’t.” My voice breaks and I bow my head. “I beat myself up over that later. In fact, I still do, sometimes.”
A hand lands on the back of my shoulder and squeezes.
“See?” Josh says quietly. “We didn’t know that.”
I keep my head down. “The best thing that happened was my parents coming to see me. They were so worried about me and they convinced me to see a doctor and a counselor. I didn’t want to, but by that point, even I knew I wasn’t going to get out of that by myself, no matter how much I told myself to get my shit together.”
“Did that help?”
“Yeah. The doctor gave me meds to help with sleep and depression. I didn’t want to take drugs, but…it did help. The counseling was painful. Lots of days I didn’t want to go. I’ll never be really over it.” I lift my head and glance at Josh, then Easton. “But I went back to see her yesterday and we had a good talk. Parts of me will always be broken, but I need to focus on the parts of me that aren’t broken.”
They’re both silent, then Easton says, “Good advice.”
I tell them more about what Roberta said and how I’ve been thinking about it. “I really was on my way back to New York,” I tell them. “I knew I had to face you guys. And I have to face Kate.”
“So, uh…Kate…” Easton pauses.
“Yeah?”
“More than just an agent? She seems to care a lot about you.”
I bite my lip. “She’s more than just my agent. But…I fucked things up.”
“Haven’t we all,” Josh mutters. “I fucked up with Sara, too.”
“You have a girlfriend, too?” I ask.
“Yeah. She’s amazing. Look…it just occurred to me that Kate tried to do what Sara did. Sara tried to get Millsy and me to talk and I got pissed at her for interfering. Don’t be pissed at Kate. She cares about you.”
I lift my chin. “She sent you here.”
“Sort of. She asked if we’d be willing to come talk to you.”
I blow out a long breath. “Shit. I already did get mad at her for interfering. I didn’t want her to even talk to the Bears, and she did anyway.”
“Why do you think she did that?” Easton asks.
I turn that over in my mind. The only answer is that it was because she cared about me and wanted to get me everything I wanted in a contract. “I get it.” I pause. “You fixed things with Sara?”
“Yeah. It was terrifying too, making myself vulnerable. But I didn’t want to lose her.”
“Same with Lilly,” Easton says. “She wanted me to do the right thing and I wanted to be a big wuss.” He smiles wryly. “But I didn’t want to be a wuss in her eyes. Or my own.”
“I always told myself I had to be a warrior,” Josh says. “To me, that meant being tough. In control. But hell, falling in love wasn’t something I could control. And you know what? Being a warrior doesn’t mean not having feelings. The bravest thing you can do is talk about your feelings.”
“Men aren’t supposed to,” Easton adds. “It’s how we’re raised. And especially hockey players, right?”
“If you can’t take a hit, get off the ice,” I say, my head moving up and down.
“If you get hurt, walk it off,” Josh says.
“Yeah.”
“Men are socialized to not be empathetic. To not be good listeners. Never ask for help.”