and faintly annoyed by the stickiness of the whole event, and her panic-stricken screams.
At last I fell over onto my back. My head was aching, and all the evil smells of the room thickened-a soiled smell from the bed itself, with its sagging, lumpy mattress; the nauseating smell of the cats.
She leapt out of the bed. She appeared to have gone mad. She was crying and shivering, and she snatched up a blanket from the chair and covered herself with it and began screaming at me to get out, get out, get out.
Whatever is the matter with you? I asked.
She let loose with a volley of modern curses. You bum, you miserable stupid bum, you idiot, you jerk! That sort of thing. I could have given her a disease, she said. Indeed she rattled off the names of several; I could have gotten her pregnant. I was a creep, a prick, a putz! I was to clear out of here at once. How dare I do this to her Get out before she called the police.
A wave of sleepiness passed over me. I tried to focus upon her, in spite of the darkness. Then came a sudden nausea sharper than I'd ever felt. I struggled to keep it under control, and only by a severe act of will managed not to vomit then and there.
Finally, I sat up and then climbed to my feet. I looked down at her as she stood there, crying, and screaming at me, and I saw suddenly that she was wretched, that I had really hurt her, and indeed there was an ugly bruise on her face.
Very slowly it came clear to me what had happened. She had wanted me to use some form of prophylactic, and I'd virtually forced her. No pleasure in it for her, only fear. I saw her again at the moment of my climax, fighting me, and I realized it was utterly inconceivable to her that I could have enjoyed the struggle, enjoyed her rage and her protests, enjoyed conquering her. But in a paltry and common way, I think I had.
The whole thing seemed overwhelmingly dismal. It filled me with despair. The pleasure itself had been nothing! I can't bear this, I thought, not a moment longer. If I could have reached James, I would have offered him another fortune, just to return at once. Reached James ... I'd forgotten altogether about finding a phone.
Listen to me, ma chere, I said. I'm so sorry. Things simply went wrong. I know. I'm sorry.
She moved to slap me but I caught her wrist easily and brought her hand down, hurting her a little.
Get out, she said again. Get out or I'll call the police.
I understand what you're saying to me. It's been forever since I did it. I was clumsy. I was bad.
You're worse than bad! she said in a deep raw voice.
And this time she did slap me. I wasn't quick enough. I was astonished by the force of the slap, how it stung. I felt of my face where she'd hit me. What an annoying little pain. It was an insulting pain.
Go! she screamed again.
I put on my clothes, but it was like lifting sacks of bricks to do it. A dull shame had come over me, a feeling of such awkwardness and discomfort in the slightest gesture I made or smallest word I spoke that I wanted simply to sink into the earth.
Finally, I had everything buttoned and zipped properly, and I had the miserable wet socks on my feet again, and the thin shoes, and I was ready to go.
She sat on the bed crying, her shoulders very thin, with the tender bones in her back poking at her pale flesh, and her hair dripping down in thick wavy clumps over the blanket she held to her breast. How fragile she looked-how sadly unbeautiful and repulsive.
I tried to see her as if I were really Lestat. But I couldn't do it. She appeared a common thing, utterly worthless, not even interesting. I was vaguely horrified. Had it been that way in my boyhood village I tried to remember those girls, those girls dead and gone for centuries, but I couldn't see then- faces. What I remembered was happiness, mischief, a great exuberance that had made me forget for intermittent periods the deprivation and hopelessness of my life.
What did that mean in this moment How could this whole experience have been so unpleasant, so seemingly pointless Had I