had any sex – not just in that week, but at all. The shame of it. They were giddy with excitement.
She and Greg had decided to leave the ball early. He’d been gentle with her. He admitted – after he’d kissed her on the neck, on the shoulder blades in her room, her shivering in front of him, as he slowly peeled off her ball gown and carefully laid it on the chair – that he’d only slept with one girl. She’d stood, terrified, not knowing what to do next, as he led her onto the laughably small bed, knelt on the floor, and lain his head on her lap. It was such a trusting thing to do. She’d stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head, inhaled that male smell, the one she could never get enough of.
‘We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want, Maddie,’ he’d said. But by then, something had kicked in inside her, a deep-seated awakening, and she felt a warm heat travelling up from her groin. She grabbed his face in her hands.
‘I want you,’ she’d whispered. He’d climbed on top of her and the gentle kisses had become more urgent, needy as both of them gave in to their desires and let the weeks of pent-up longing find its place on her bed that night.
‘Maddie?’
She looked up at him now as he tilted his head to one side.
‘My coat?’ And as he stared at her, she imprinted his face back onto her frontal lobe. Those little amber flecks in his eyes, the ever-so-slightly crooked nose from a cricket injury as a kid. She wasn’t sure she could even start to talk about the feelings, the heartache or the questions that needed answering, but maybe they should try?
‘It’s in my room.’
They wandered up the stairs silently. Maddie was aware that every footstep she took was leading her to being alone with Greg. She hadn’t been alone with him since— No.
‘Here we are.’ She stood outside her room and cursed her thumping heart. She could feel the heat rising up her neck and she needed to stay focused. There were over twenty years of empty pages between them that now needed to be filled in: here was her chance.
*
Greg took the coat from her and folded it over his arm, then he sat down slowly on the bed and put his phone on her counterpane. There were turquoise-blue and pink cushions on the bed and he moved one out of the way for her.
‘Maddie.’ He swallowed and she watched his Adam’s apple bob up his throat. ‘I don’t know how to say this, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened, how we lost touch. I just wish things could have been different.’
‘Well,’ she said, folding her arms across her chest as the pain came flooding back, ‘I know you had your reasons, Greg, but you have to know that watching you walk away was, was…’
She remembered the day – the cherry blossoms had been fluttering in the university grounds. She’d been convinced they’d had a future mapped out together, but she also knew in her heart – it was what had let her forgive him all those years ago – that if she’d asked him to stay, if she’d held him close and begged, he would have. But she hadn’t wanted theirs to be a relationship of guilt. She’d wanted to set him free, had wanted him to stay with her because he chose to even though she knew the risk she was taking. She’d known that a love like theirs was the most powerful thing she had ever felt.
‘It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’ He stared straight at her with those eyes the colour of melted chocolate, searching her face for clues.
She wanted to say, But you didn’t have to, did you, Greg? But this wasn’t the time for blame.
Just then, his phone flashed next to him, with the name ‘Tiggy’ on the screen. Maddie felt an almost physical pain and she sat upright. She knew Tiggy was his wife from her Facebook snooping.
He glanced at his phone, frowned and turned it off.
‘Maddie, I tried, I really wanted it to work, but—’
‘But you walked away.’ And into the arms of Tiggy, was what she wanted to say, but she held that hurt tightly inside, a knot of pain.
‘What choice did I have, Maddie? I suppose,’ he said, letting out a sigh, ‘that the decision wasn’t entirely