‘No.’ She smiled. ‘You know I don’t like white wine.’
He looked up at her from studying the cork speared by the corkscrew. ‘Imagine being married to a wine salesman and not liking 50 per cent of the wine I bring home.’ There was that Welsh lilt again. He sniffed the cork.
She felt her shoulders rise again. She should be happy. She looked at Tim’s face, at his short brown hair, greying slightly at the temples, at his glasses perched on his nose as he studied the wine label intently – and she felt blank. What was wrong with her? Why wasn’t she engaging?
Now was her chance. She felt an enormous surge of wanting to live life, of wanting to harness what she had. She wanted to get drunk, have sex, ride a speedboat – where had that come from? – anything, just something different.
‘Tim, let’s have sex. Now. In the kitchen.’
He dropped the corkscrew and stared at her. She noticed a strand of long hair on his jacket. Blonde?
‘Well, that’s a surprise.’
She came over to him, started to unbutton her blouse, then stood in her black bra in front of him. As he came over to her and started to kiss her neck, she relaxed. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She inhaled his familiar smell and, despite everything, let herself be comforted by him, let her head fall on his chest and took a deep sigh.
Suddenly, he swept the contents of the table to one side and hoisted her up onto it. That was certainly a new technique. She let herself go, let herself find some magic in his arms. She thought about Olive, about being at the end of your life’s journey and how awful it must be to stare at four walls all day. She wanted more. She wanted some excitement. This could be it! And she wanted to feel real, and solid and living. Then he was inside her and she let out a small cry.
Afterwards, Tim looked at her. ‘That was nice, pet.’
Pet? Was this what she was looking for?
*
Tim had an enormous grin on his face as he took a slug of wine at the kitchen table. ‘Listen, Maddie,’ he said, straightening his collar, and her heart quickened, waiting for a romantic gesture. She gave him her most winning smile. ‘I bought those tickets to that classic car show last weekend.’
She was leaning on the kitchen table; she held on to the edge of it. Classic cars.
‘Right.’
‘Look, Maddie, I know I don’t always show you, but I do love you, you know?’ She knew this; she knew he was a good man. It had felt good to be held. It had felt right to be close to another human being.
‘I know.’ She touched his sleeve, but that little fuse, the one that flickered in her heart these days, it just twitched again. He was saying something. She tried to focus.
‘Maddie, what do you think?’
‘Sorry, about what, darling?’
‘The new car! You know, the brochure you were going to look at today?’ He looked up at her over his glasses. ‘The “S” class – does zero to sixty in three seconds; it handles really well, too. Good fuel economy, safety rating excellent.’
He might as well be talking Finnish. She managed a smile. S-class. Zero to sixty – do we need a getaway car?
‘Well?’ He was animated, vibrant.
‘Looks great, Tim. You know better than me what we need. In fact, you’re in it most of the time!’
‘Maddie, what’s wrong? You’re not yourself.’ He put his hands on her shoulders.
I haven’t been myself for about nineteen years.
Something had to give.
7
Tonight they were practising ‘Diva Classics’ and as Maddie walked into the church hall with Rachel she shivered. The heating was always a bit dodgy and even though it was a July evening, the room was chilly. The room smelt of teabags and baby wipes. Blue plastic chairs were set up in rows and there was a general hum of voices punctuated by the odd shriek.
Maddie lost herself in the music that night. As she belted out some of the Gloria Gaynor classics in the warm-up, she started to feel powerful. ‘I Will Survive’ seemed apt after today. Janet, their choir leader, was in front of them, waving her arms about, smiling and nodding her head. It was always cathartic to come here. They had started to practise for their big event – a flash mob number in the high street, on Christmas Eve. Maddie