I felt a violent stab of need inside me at that idea. I wanted it, needed it, to feel that rough intrusion doing exactly as he’d said—opening me up for him. Opening everything I was, everything I thought and felt, to him. But as his stubble scuffed over the crease of my thigh…
He chuckled when he heard my groan as his mouth veered away, dotting across my hip bone.
“Jai!”
“What, love?” he asked with a grin, looking up at me.
“I was wrong. So, so wrong. Let's do this afterwards.”
“After what, love?” I gasped when a single finger swept through my folds, but the caress was brief and gave me no satisfaction. I watched him pop his finger in his mouth and suck it. “Mm…yum.”
“Yes, yes, more of that. So much more of that. Please, Jai.”
“Soon.” He spread that huge hand across my abdomen, stroking the swell there.
“Jai, don’t.” I went to move his hand, but he batted it away.
“I like that you’re soft. If I wanted another hard body to lie with, I’d probably have gone with one of the other pack guys. You’re a woman, Shan, and while they come in all shapes and sizes, I like yours, a lot.” He placed a tender kiss just above my belly button.
He crawled up over me, and I was reaching for him, pulling his head down on mine before I could think. It was a slower kind of kiss, like we were telling each other something with our lips that our vocal cords couldn’t. That we weren’t going anywhere. That we could hold the other person tight and expect to keep holding them. That this was all we wanted to do. When my hands went up and around his neck, not letting him go too far, our lips connecting like magnets, I was holding someone else now. This wasn’t my demon lover promising me multiple orgasms, though I wouldn’t have been surprised if that still happened, it was something much more frightening.
This was my Jai.
My eyes flicked open, catching blurry glimpses of his golden ones as he kissed me, but from what I could see, he knew. It felt like being dropped into a hot bath, the heat slowly seeping through me, filling me up, holding me within its warm embrace. His warm embrace. My breath hitched, unable to flow easily now, and a great lump formed in my chest. It hurt, this thawing, this slow but steady breaking down of everything I’d been forced to hold back. I’d put so much into not loving Jai, it felt like I was falling apart inside to let that go.
But I was. He pulled back, lips hovering over mine, scanning my eyes as if to see exactly what was happening. I wanted to look away, that pack pressure to do so beating down on me. Don’t hide from me, he’d said, almost as a challenge, so I didn’t. I let him see the pain I’d had to wrap tight around me to keep myself away from him, the many, many times I’d had to redirect my eyes, my mind, my heart away from him.
Don’t watch that long, lean body bend over the pool table taking his shot. Don’t hear that warm laugh as he was talking shit with his mates. Don’t look up when I hear the sound of his boot steps on the pub floor. Don’t listen for his name, don’t wonder how he’s doing. Don’t ask Jaz for updates and ignore them if she gives them. Don’t, don’t, don’t.
He watched the first tear form, then the other, reaching out to brush them away, but more came. I was this wet noodle, seeping tears and slick, breaking my heart and dying for him to push himself inside me, being pulled apart by the two impulses. When he drew back, my heart only sank a little. Of course, he would. I was making this something it wasn’t supposed to be and he was—
I didn’t get to finish the thought as he swept me up into his arms, pulling me until I straddled his lap. His arms were like iron around me, holding me hard against him, his face in my hair.
“My Shan…” he murmured, stroking my back to make me feel better, but even I could feel the shake in his hands. I drew back slightly, just enough that I could see it.
Would I have been able to get the same kind of pained expression from him if I stabbed him in the heart?