mother was right about one thing. I was old enough to have saved him.”
Lily knew her loss governed everything. The fact that a life had slipped away in her presence had defined her and affected every choice she made. She had never forgiven herself. How could she? Because of the past, she forbade herself to get attached to people. She remained childless, translating her yearning for a child into teaching.
“With all due respect to your mother, she fed you a line of crap, I suppose to relieve her own sense of guilt,” Sean said. “I’m sorry, Lily. For your whole family, but especially for you.”
They were quiet together, and for no particular reason, she felt oddly comforted. In grief counseling, they spoke of good days and bad ones. Lily didn’t really have those. She had good moments and bad ones, around the clock. This particular moment was a good one. She felt curiously light and warm.
“Would you like to have a glass of wine?” she asked him.
“No,” he said, then grinned at her thoroughly discomfited expression. “I’d like to have a beer. However, I do have a Fetzer merlot—all organic—you might like.”
“Yes,” she said, ducking her head. “I might.”
He went and fixed the drinks, handing her the glass of wine. They went outside to sit on the back steps and watch the moon rise. Lily tasted the wine, watching him over the rim of the glass. He ought to be in a beer commercial, she thought. A beer commercial aimed at women. No woman in America could resist a man who did the dishes, put the kids to bed and then sat down to crack open a cold one.
“Want a sip?” he asked, tipping the can toward her.
Yes. “No,” she said. “No, thanks. The wine’s fine.”
“You looked as though you wanted some of mine.”
“I’ve never been a beer drinker.”
“I’ll remember that. So,” he said, “what do you usually do on a Saturday night?”
“Well, not this. Not baring my soul to an unsuspecting man. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“I didn’t mind. Maybe next week you’ll bare something else.”
The man had a girlfriend and he was flirting with her. What a jerk, she thought. But deep down, she knew he wasn’t a jerk. “Anyway, Friday’s generally movie night and Saturday is—” Date night. She didn’t say it aloud. “I tend to go out with friends, people from school, mostly. Crystal and I have—had—season tickets to the Portland Opera.” She took a hurried drink of her wine. “I told her lawyer to give them away.”
“I don’t blame you one bit.”
“Yes, the memories would be too painful.”
“I was thinking the opera would be too painful.”
“So you’re not an opera fan,” she mused. “There’s a surprise.”
He stifled a yawn, but she noticed.
“I should go,” she said, looking for a place to set her wineglass.
“Don’t.” He put a hand on her arm, gentle but insistent. “Stay. Please.”
His touch made her feel strange, tingly all over, and languid. She was grateful for the darkness that hid her blush.
He took his hand away and grinned at her. “These days I need all the adult conversation I can get.”
And he couldn’t find that with Maura? Maybe he just had sex with Maura, no conversation.
The thought sparked her temper. “There’s something you should know.”
“What’s that?”
“I think we can get along,” she said, “but when I’m here, I’m here for the kids. Because their mother was my best friend and she wanted me to care for them.”
He leaned back against the stair rail and finished his beer. “Okay. I get it. Didn’t mean to assume you have any other reason to give me the time of day.”
She gave a dry laugh of disbelief. “Oh, forgive me for not falling down at your feet.”
“For that, I thank you. I can’t stand it when women fall at my feet. Makes it hard to get around.”
“Very funny.”
“Which reminds me, I have a serious question to ask you.”
She caught her breath, flirting with a brief fantasy before reminding herself of what she’d just told him—she was here for the kids. “What’s the serious question?”
“I’m having a will drawn up.” He smiled. “My first. For the first time, it actually matters if I die.”
“That’s a very strange thing to say.”
“But truthful. Before this, before the kids, I had nothing. Now I’m all they’ve got, and if something happens to me, they should be provided for. So I’m asking you, Lily. Can I designate you as guardian in my will?”
“Absolutely.” She spoke without hesitation. She didn’t