alter her life for good; they needed things she wasn’t sure she possessed.
Sean headed toward the living room. “We’ll tell them together.”
“They might not get up for a while,” she said. “It’s not a schoolday, so—”
A cry sounded upstairs.
No, thought Lily. Not yet, please, not yet. Let them sleep awhile longer, let them have just a few more moments of blissful ignorance.
The cry sounded again, more insistent this time. Lily and Sean exchanged a glance. “I’ll go,” she said, heading for the stairs.
“I’ll go, too.”
They found Ashley standing up in the crib, fists clutching the rail, face screwed up in preparation for another wail. She stopped when she saw Lily, smiled and reached out, hands opening and closing as if to grab the air. In the bed across the room, Charlie stirred but didn’t awaken.
Lily tried a soothing shh as she lifted Ashley from the crib. The toddler’s diaper had a leaden, claylike feel. Lily noticed Sean standing uncertainly in the doorway, and reality poked through the fog of shock. This child was utterly helpless, and now she was an orphan in the care of an uncle who seemed more like a big kid and a woman who had sworn never to have children.
“I’ve got this,” she told him, though her voice sounded wobbly with uncertainty.
“I’ll go make coffee,” he said, heading for the stairs.
Lily was on her own. “That’s helpful,” she murmured, carrying Ashley into the bathroom. “Just what we need.”
“Okeydokey,” said Ashley.
Lily found that by focusing on the baby’s face, she could hold herself together, but it wasn’t the baby’s face that needed attention. Lily’s inexperience showed as she fumbled through the diaper change, though Ashley submitted with a curious patience.
The stretchy, fitted jumpsuit was awkward to remove, though the diaper peeled off easily enough. Then Lily stood there with the balled-up dirty diaper in one hand, her other on the baby to make sure she didn’t roll off the table.
“I can’t just leave you here while I go put this in the trash,” she explained to the baby.
Ashley babbled and smacked her lips. “Want juice,” she said. “Want cookie.”
“In a minute. Let’s get you dressed.” She opted for putting the diaper on the counter to dispose of later. Where was the trash can? she wondered, exasperated. Crystal had never been the most organized person, but you’d think she would put both the trash can and clean diapers within reach.
“Lily sad,” Ashley observed. “Got tears.”
Lily realized her cheeks were drenched. “You’re right,” she whispered, using a baby wipe on her face. “I’m all right,” she assured Ashley, though she felt herself unraveling like a runaway spool of thread. She didn’t belong to herself now. Her best friend was dead and Lily could not break down and cry for her. “I’ll be fine.” She pasted on a bright smile. “Okay?”
“’Kay.”
She fumbled around, managing the diaper, a shirt and pull-on pants. As she lifted Ashley up and set her on the floor, Lily caught a glimpse of herself in a round wall mirror framed by pink fairies.
She looked the way she’d expect to look after the sort of night she’d had. Inside, everything was different. A terrible darkness bloomed there, obscuring everything else. As she hurried after the baby scampering toward the stairs, she knew with irrevocable certainty that her life would never be the same. She felt like a different person, a stranger in her skin.
Ashley held on to her finger as they went downstairs with excruciating slowness, each step of the descent drumming home the reality of what had happened. Sean waited at the bottom, the expression on his face inscrutable. When they were halfway down, Lily sensed a presence behind her and turned.
“Charlie.”
“Mom,” said Charlie in a sleepy voice. “Where’s Mom?”
“Mom!” echoed Ashley in her cherub’s voice.
Lily and Sean exchanged a terrible look. The sight of Charlie’s face, soft with sleep, nearly undid Lily again. How? she thought wildly. How would they break this to her?
“Good morning, kiddo,” she said, stroking the little girl’s tousled hair.
“Hi, Lily. Hi, Uncle Sean. What happened to your face?”
“Hey, short stuff,” Sean said. “Why don’t you go see if Cameron’s up?”
“He never gets up early on Saturday,” Charlie pointed out. Somber-faced, she looked from Sean to Lily. And in her eyes was a deep comprehension that caused a chill to creep up Lily’s spine.
“All right,” she said with quiet resignation. “I’ll go get him.”
“She knows something’s wrong,” said Sean.
Lily picked up the baby, brought her to the kitchen and settled her