I studied his face and saw the mask he wore around other people but had never worn with me.
He reached his hand toward me as if to brush my cheek with his fingertips, then pulled back at the last minute.
In that brief instant in which he pulled away, I heard his teeth grind, as if not touching me was a struggle.
Agonized, I was grateful he hadn't.
"I need you to explain," I whispered, wondering if I imagined the wince that crossed his face.
Sometimes I wanted to believe something so badly, I deliberately manufactured excuses and ignored painful reality.
"I've given you no reason to doubt me."
"You're giving me one now, Gideon."
I exhaled in a rush, deflating.
Withdrawing.
He was standing in front of me, but he seemed miles away.
"I understand you need time before you share secrets that are painful for you.
I've been where you're at, knowing I needed to talk about what happened to me but just not ready.
That's why I've tried very hard not to push you or rush you.
But this secret is one that's hurting me, and that's different.
Don't you see that?" Cursing under his breath, he cupped my face with cool hands.
"I go out of my way to make sure you don't have any reason to feel jealous, but when you do get possessive, I like it.
I want you to fight for me.
I want you to care that much.
I want you crazy about me.
But possessiveness without trust is hell.
If you don't trust me, we've got nothing."
"Trust goes both ways, Gideon."
He sucked in a deep breath.
"Damn it.
Don't look at me like that."
"I'm trying to figure out who you are.
Where's the man who came right out and said he wanted to f**k me? The man who didn't hesitate to tell me I tie him up in knots, even as I was breaking up with him? I believed you'd always be brutally honest like that.
I counted on it.
Now - " I shook my head, my throat too tight to say anything else.