She touches my hand. “And every second we’ve had together is a blessing I never thought we’d get.”
She takes my shoulder, but I’m so tense I can hardly feel her hands on me. Anna’s hands move up my body and curve around the back of my neck. She holds me hard and kisses me.
This, I feel.
I kiss her back like her mouth offers sustenance. I pull her close and revel in the feel of her hands scratching through my hair. “God, Anna,” I say against her mouth. I hold her so hard, hard enough to keep her here forever. Hard enough that nobody can take her from me.
I tear my mouth from hers and pant for air. “I can’t lose you.”
Her hands pull at me, and her voice is ragged with emotion. “Stop thinking that way. I can’t fight them if you’re not on board, Kai.”
I look at her, and I fucking hate myself. Anna wants to save the world. Not for her own glory, but because she cares about the people who are terrorized by the demons. She cares about the Neph and our way of life. She cares about all the things that I don’t. I can’t give her what she needs from me right now—my support—and I hate myself for it.
I try to pull away, disgusted with myself, but she takes my face in her firm grasp and puts us nose to nose. “You haven’t lost me, Kai. I’m right here with you. Hold me.”
I pull her to my lap and bury my face in her neck. She’s right here. In my arms. She knows I’m a selfish prick, but she’s still here. I breathe and swallow and hold on tight.
I hold her as the stars light the night sky and the crickets send up their cacophony of mating calls. I hold her as the hours pass and our bodies wind down and weariness catches up with us.
All the while I keep an eye out for whisperers, and I scan with my hearing. It’s eerily quiet.
Anna turns against my chest and reaches up to stroke my face. I close my eyes and feel her kind touch. I soak in her love.
“Kaidan, if anything happens to me—”
I jerk, and my eyes snap open, catching hers. “Don’t! Don’t you dare finish that sentence. Nothing is going to happen to you.”
The pit of dread opens up inside of me. I don’t want to talk about this, but she is persistent and unnervingly gentle.
“If we both, you know, end up down there . . . in hell. We can make it through together. We’ll keep each other strong until it’s time for our judgment.”
I’ve never heard anyone talk about hell in this way. As if it’s something that can be faced and endured. I swallow hard at Anna’s vision. To think that even in complete darkness and despair, our souls can cling to each other and still feel this love. I want this dream of hers to be true. I want to cling to this one.
“I’ll never leave your side,” I tell her. “I swear it.”
I hold her tight until she falls asleep. And at some point, I let myself drift away, as well.
“No more sex.”
I blink several times at Anna as we stand outside the car the next morning. Have we been married long enough for her to say that?
“Just until after the summit,” she rushes on.
The summit. The summit where we might die. And then we’ll never have sex again anyway. What rubbish.
I am not ready for this conversation. I want to go back to last night.
“Kaidan . . .” She takes my hands in hers and tries to explain, but I am numb. “You have to pretend not to like me. It sucks, but it’s the smartest plan. If we’re both going to survive this, which I really think we can, and will, this is our best bet. You’re better at hiding your feelings than I am, but at this point it doesn’t matter if they think I have feelings for you. You can even say you made me fall for you to lure me in. Your father trusts you to find me and get me to the summit on your own. That’s huge. He has to think you’re in his pocket until the very last minute. We’ll have freedom to communicate with each other and warn the others. Do you really want to jeopardize one of the only things we have going for us?”