man, I’m not being fair. Macie is rubbing off on me too much. Andrew wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t in my best interest.
Andrew: you’re not going to take it, are you? what about professor schumacher’s internship? how is this going to look on your resumé?
I bite my lip. Way to cut to the chase, Andrew.
Me: it’s a good job that pays. it would solve everything.
Andrew: but what about us?
I wish I could hear his tone of voice. I don’t know how to take his meaning.
Me: what is US…exactly?
This is dangerous territory, and my palms are instantly sweating. My question skates around the edges of a conversation I’ve been too afraid to have, and I suspect he doesn’t see coming.
Andrew: US is you and me, just like it’s always been.
Me: then i expect US to continue, even if i do take the job.
I read the text over in my head. The “if” looks more like a “when.” Andrew sees it, too.
Andrew: i would miss you.
I bask in those five words and consider leaving things there so we can end on that note. Instead, I respond.
Me: it’s only three months.
And there it is. Mentally, I’ve accepted the job. I only have to make the call and confirm. Shit. What am I doing?
Andrew: sure. sure. i just worry.
Me: no need. it’s all under control. i can solve my own problems.
Andrew: you sure about that?
I scowl at his question. His persisting doubt makes me want to lash out. Anyone else, and I would have, but I don’t because it’s Andrew. He didn’t mean his question the way it sounds.
Me: it’s a job. it’s money. and it might be nice to try something on my own this summer. find myself.
Andrew: haha! you spend too much time with macie. you’re not lost. there’s nothing to find.
I type out, some alone time. maybe i could try painting. But then I delete it.
Andrew: i don’t like the thought of you being alone.
Me: i wouldn’t be alone. there’s a whole town full of people.
Andrew: but what would you do?
Me: probably read a lot.
There’s a long delay, then…
Andrew: not exactly productive. we’ll talk later. good night, katherine. love ya.
I stare at his last message and blink back the sting in my eyes. I can hear the tone in his words so clearly now. The resignation. The disappointment. I’ve let him down. He’s worked so hard for both of us, and I’ve been ungrateful.
I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. I press my face against my knees and start to rock rhythmically. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Everything is ruined. Andrew’s going to go on without me. I’m going to be stuck in a lighthouse on some godforsaken island, while Andrew’s living our life without me.
A minute or so later, Macie cracks open my door. “You okay in here?” she asks. “I got up and heard your bed creaking.” She laughs quietly and teases, “You don’t have a guy in here, do you?” Then, when she really gets a look at me, “Oh, God. Katherine, what’s wrong?”
I’m still staring at my knees. Control. Maintain control. “Nothing.”
“You’re not going to ugly cry, are you?”
I look up at her, not blinking. “Do I ever?”
“No.”
“Then, no.”
She walks into my room, slowly, assessing me. I tell her what happened, and when I finish, she wraps her arms around me while I bury my face against her shoulder.
“I have to take the job,” I say. “Don’t let me back out.”
“Never,” she says. “We’ll call first thing in the morning.”
Before she stands up, she puts her hands on my shoulders. “You’re the captain of your ship, Katherine. Time to steer your own damn boat.”
I nod, but I can’t look at her.
“Last time I checked, it wasn’t a crime to put yourself first now and then. Mark my words. After one summer on Little Bear Island, you’ll see yourself the same way I do. Beautiful. Confident. Adventurous. Talented. And that’s the kind of person you want to be when you someday marry Andy.”
“Andrew,” I say, forcing a smile.
“Right,” she says.
June
Chapter Five
Bennet
“Dammit!”
With a frustrated yell, I throw my songwriting notebook across the bridge of the Little Bear Island ferry and sit down hard on the tall chair behind the captain’s wheel. My outburst is answered by a sharp breeze through my open window, a dozen seagulls squawking at a passing fishing boat, the clanking of halyards in the marina, and Samson, who jumps up from the corner to see what’s bothering me.