Sela takes a sip, looking abnormally composed. She leans forward, sets the tea on the table, and leans back against the cushions. With her hands folded in her lap, she tilts her chin up and says, “I was sixteen. It was my birthday.”
My breath rushes out between my teeth, making a hissing sound. Her eyes soften and she gives me a knowing smile.
She fucking smiles at me to give me comfort.
My heart squeezes again, and I almost take a step toward her, but her next words stop me dead in my tracks.
“It was my fault, really.”
“No fucking way,” I snarl, my hands coming out of my pockets and clenching into fists.
She holds her hand up, palm out to me in a sign of quiet. My mouth snaps shut.
“Just listen,” she whispers.
I force my hands to unclench, and so they don’t do it again, I hook my thumbs in my pockets and lock my knees for stability.
“My boyfriend had just broken up with me the day before. He was a few years older and thought I was just a kid. I was hurt, as only a sixteen-year-old could be who had all kinds of silly, romantic notions in her head and was eager to prove herself as a woman.”
I can’t stand it. Laying this . . . this . . . blame on herself. I turn slightly from her and take a few paces while she talks.
“I went to the mall with my best friend the night of my birthday. Met a cute boy.”
“JT?” I can’t help the growl coming out of my mouth as I pivot, pace a few steps the other way as I stare at her.
She drops her gaze to her lap and shakes her head with a wry smile. “No. Just a cute boy that I foolishly thought would be just the ticket I needed to prove that I was worthy of notice. I left my bestie behind and went with him and some friends to a party. We got stoned on the way there. My first time ever smoking pot, and I was out of it. Had no clue where they even took me, but it was a huge mansion and it was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. Filled with young people, mostly college students. I had a cute boy with his arm around my shoulder, I was stoned out of my mind, and laughing my ass off. I thought it was the best thing ever.”
I halt because her last words have an ominous ring to them.
“What happened?”
She lifts her eyes to mine. “The cute boy found a prettier girl than me, and soon I was left all alone. That pissed me off, hurt my feelings. Made me feel terrible and lonely. I thought about leaving, but then . . .”
Sela hesitates, gives a slight cough, and continues with more strength in her voice. “But then I had the attention of another cute boy. Older. College age, I guess. He flirted with me, told me how beautiful I was. Talked about college and frat parties, and hinted that maybe we could go out together. So I turned the flirting charm back onto him. I batted my eyes, stuck my chest out, did whatever I could to prove that I could hang with an older crowd. That I was mature and worldly, and it was so stupid, but I even thought . . . screw the boy I’d come with. He was just a boy. This was a man. A college guy that was interested in me. I even thought about how he’d take me to spring dance, and my ex-boyfriend would be so jealous. I let him kiss me, and rub his hand on my ass. I pressed into him, and although I really didn’t know what I was doing, he liked it and it made me bolder.”
“Not your fault,” I whisper hoarsely, and she gives me an accommodating nod.
“Maybe not,” she whispers back. Another clearing of her throat, and her voice is strong again. “At any rate, I don’t know how much time passed. I was given beer. We hung out. We danced. I was having the time of my life and all I could keep thinking was that this was the best birthday ever.”
She stops, her story hitting a wall. Her gaze drops back to her lap and her fingers work in a nervous twining around each other. I wait her out, knowing that she’s getting to