to be with. Christ, Carl, I still fucking love you.”
I leaned forward, pressed my forehead to his, and his hands clasped my face, held me there. I closed my eyes, and breathed, just breathed. “It hurts,” I said. “This one hurts so bad. I thought this one…”
“I know,” he said. “I’m right fucking there with you.” He sighed, long and deep. “Come here.” He folded me in strong arms, pulled me close. He kissed my cheek, held me tight, and I held him back. I felt weak, exposed. Open. The dull ache in the pit of me making me nauseous. “You’re so fucking strong,” he said. “Like a bull. Always so fucking unstoppable.” He kissed my mouth, his lips firm. “You’ve got to stop sometimes, you’ve got to learn to ease up on the fucking reins.”
I didn’t have any words left. I just nodded, just enough for him to see.
“We make decisions together, we’re supposed to be a team.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
I squeezed him tight, my arms around his muscular shoulders, and he was rigid and strong, and there. Rick was right there with me.
Rick was always there.
And I loved him so much I thought my heart would burst.
Samson picked up pace as we headed up through Haugh Wood, his hooves churning up the track as he broke into a canter. We were early, the sun still climbing through the trees to the east. I squeezed Samson on, driving him faster, and he put his head down, ears forward and alert, breath steady. I gave him free rein and he extended himself, a snort and he was away, galloping up the main incline.
I loved it here so much. So did he.
We belonged here. I’d always known we belonged here.
Only we didn’t.
Not anymore. Not now.
I fought the lump in my throat, blinked away the tears that threatened. Like I hadn’t cried enough already.
A night in my own bed sucked bad. I’d never realised it was lumpy on one side. Lumpy and a little too soft. Cold, too. It was cold in bed without Carl and Rick.
Everything was cold without Carl and Rick.
Losing the dream of Jack’s yard was shitty enough, and I’d cried, a lot. But Carl’s big revelation had hit like a car wreck, a big-arsed truck ploughing into my small town dreams. A big splodge of what the fuck on my cute little life plan.
What life plan?
Plan A — rent Jack’s yard, Katiefy it and make it pretty and smart, fill it with happy kids wanting riding lessons. Smile and congratulate myself on completing life plan at age twenty-two.
Plan B —
There was no plan B. There had never been a plan B.
Samson slowed on the brow of the hill, stretched out his neck and snorted. I gave him a pat, ruffled his mane, and he slowed further, his hooves clop-clopping as he dropped to a walk. I leaned back in the saddle, listening to the songbirds. I really fucking loved it here. I could stay here forever, Samson and me.
My phone bleeped and I dug it out of my pocket. My heart did a little stutter at the prospect it was one of the boys, but it wasn’t. It was Mum.
I’m sorry about the yard, Katie, but maybe it’s for the best. You’ve got a real shot at making something of yourself at your dad’s, an actual career, Katie. It’s not so bad, sweetheart. Really it’s not. x
Her words were nothing new, I’d heard them last night already as I’d cried until I was a sniffly mess.
It really was so bad.
I shoved the phone away.
She just didn’t get it. Couldn’t possibly get it.
I turned Samson off the main track and headed deeper into the woods, where the undergrowth was wilder and the trees were thicker. We explored those hidden areas of the woods we’d conquered like explorers back when he was fresh and green, and it was all so exciting. I felt it all over again. I loved it all over again.
It’s amazing how that happens, how something feels so much sweeter when it’s hurtling towards the end of its time. Bittersweet.
Were Carl and Rick like that? Is that why life around them felt so powerful? So all-consuming?
Did I love Carl and Rick so much because it was supposed to be temporary? Nothing but a six-month foray into a life between two men?
“What are we going to do, boy?” I said, and Samson’s ears flicked in my direction. “Just what the hell are we going to do?”